Broken
by Empty Pen09
Summary: A stolen video forces Quinn Fabray to deal with the truth about herself and her feelings for Rachel Berry.
1. Chapter 1

~Monday 4:17pm~

I positioned myself facing the door as I waited for the computer to boot up. My stomach was tense but it always got this way just before I did this. No matter how many times I did it, it always felt wrong. On the other hand it was all I could do to scratch the itch.

My laptop came to life and I bit my lip to corral the butterflies in my stomach. I took a deep breath and opened the DVD tray and stuck the disk inside. The room was thick with my nervous tension now and I felt like I was going to pop. A few deep breaths took care of my shaky nerves and helped to get my emotions under control.

I brought the headphones to my ears as the video began to play and just like the last time I felt a quick rush of excitement. As much fun as I had playing the good girl, I loved the feeling of being naughty and there was nothing naughtier than this.

The title page of the video came on screen and I felt it again, the small push of sexual excitement. It had never happened to me before the video. Until I'd stolen this video from Puck's bedroom a few weeks ago I'd been happily oblivious to my needs.

Noah Puckerman had a dresser drawer full of porn in his bedroom. Normally this is precisely the reason I avoided parties at his house. Debauchery. Drinking, sex, marijuana, a perfect storm of teenage sin. I wasn't sure why I was even at the party but when I ended up in Noah's bedroom faced with a drawer full of porn for some reason I took one of the video's.

I hadn't planned on taking it. Why would I? It was just one of those things you do on a whim. Like buying purple flats because they were on sale, or ditching Mr. Schue's Spanish class to hide out in the library. Of all the things I'd done on a whim in my life, stealing Puck's porn had to be the most spontaneous.

It wasn't difficult to make the DVD disappear. The guy had a stack of dirty video's in his room. A HUGE stack, enough to make any normal teenage boy wonder if he was some kind of sex freak. He had the complete Horny Cheerleader Series. Volumes 1-15, volume 12, the volume on top of the stack, had three girls on the cover in cheap looking cheer outfits who looked suspiciously like me, Santana, and Brittany. The thought that Puck was probably recently getting his rocks off to a girl who looked like me made me a tad uncomfortable. I mean who wouldn't be. It was bad enough the guy knocked me up, now he was touching himself to my porno doppelganger.

Still, as repulsed as I was by his behavior I couldn't tear myself away from the videos. I continued to sift through the titles. There was sinful lust of every kind. Say what you wanted about Puck but he was an equal opportunity pervert. Black girls, Asians, Cheerleaders, Milfs, he had everything. It wasn't until I got to the bottom of the stack that I saw it. The source of my newfound sexual curiosity.

It didn't seem like much. The girl on the cover was simply average looking. Dark brown hair and tiny. She was wearing a short plaid skirt with a half open white top and a red bra. She looked sexy. She looked familiar. I'd never watched porn before but this girl reeked of familiarity. She looked like, like? Rachel. She looked like Rachel Berry. Rachel had worn almost the exact same outfit when she'd given herself a makeover. The title of the movie was even more interesting. The Lesbian Schoolgirl.

I wasn't sure why I did it. One minute I was disgusted by Puck's depravity, the next I was offended that he was pleasuring himself to girls who resembled me and my friends, and the next I was intrigued by a porn star who bore a striking resemblance to a girl I hated. The next thing I did even freaked me out. I shoved the DVD into my purse and snuck out of Puck's bedroom and made a bee line for my car.

That of course was two weeks ago and since then I'd watched the video a half a dozen times. In the course of a few weeks I'd gone from Quinn the good girl. Well sort of good girl, I did get myself pregnant, to Quinn the porno watching pervert.

Finding private time to enjoy the thing was a problem in and of itself. My parents had bought me a laptop but in true nosy parental fashion they'd put parent tracker software on it so they can spy on what sites I visited when I surfed the internet. Of course I wasn't supposed to know this but I did. On the flip side of that it didn't regulate what I watched in the DVD drive. I could watch anything without them knowing what it was. And using the wireless headphones I'd gotten from my grandma for Christmas I was able to pop the video in without them being any the wiser.

Of course some security protocols were in order. With the headphones on I couldn't hear when anyone knocked on my bedroom door. For this reason I had to position myself facing the door so I could see if anyone came inside. Of course locking the door always helped but my parents had a key. Besides it was four o'clock in the afternoon, sitting in my bedroom with the door locked was suspicious in itself.

My parents had gone out for the afternoon to some kind of luncheon for my father's job and I was home alone. It was the perfect time to take a few Quinn moments as I liked to call them. Once the video started up all bets were off. My mind was intoxicated by the brunette beauty and her dirty behavior. I watched in silence while the video played, my body stirring with pulsing need.

~Tuesday 2:37am~

I glanced at the clock, two thirty seven am. I couldn't believe it I'd dreamt about her again. How many nights in a row could you dream about someone before it officially became weird? Two, three? If that was the case then six was clearly an issue.

Still I couldn't help myself. Every dirty thing my lesbian schoolgirl acted out in the video, (could you call porn acting?) was running through my mind every night. Every time I closed my eyes she washed over me. Tonight I'd woken up with my hand down the front of my sleep shorts. Was it natural to touch yourself in your sleep? Was it an unconscious act?

I wasn't sure what was happening but I was still wet. I was wet and my clit was pulsing with need. The feeling wasn't fading, it was like I was standing on the edge of cliff and the wind was the only thing holding me up. I couldn't stop the throbbing, the need was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I couldn't help it, I had to stop it. I pushed my hand down between my legs intent to finish what my subconscious mind knew I needed.

~School Wednesday Morning~

I waited in the hallway near the computer lab with the ice cold Slushie in my hand. I felt a twinge of shame at what I was about to do but I was desperate. It was the only move I could make that would allow me to relieve the building itch in my brain. It was the only move I could make that would allow me to get the growing monkey off my back and allow me to maintain my pristine good girl reputation.

I was sick. I knew it. I'd spent all night planning this twisted spectacle and despite my growing discomfort and emerging shame I had every intention of following through with it. With my plan mere seconds away from fruition I couldn't simply turn away and back down now. No, that wouldn't do.

Santana rushed around the corner, a smirk the size of Texas on her face, and gave me a smile. "You're on," she told me. She had obviously had no problem with her portion of the plan. On the other hand she wouldn't be party to the secret portion of the plan, torturing people was business as usual for her. On the other hand from what I see from her and Brittany these days maybe she would be into it.

I had another moment of doubt and considered aborting. This wasn't normal behavior for a young Christian girl. Who did things like this? This was shameful. A shameful display of power that would embarrass even the most confident mean girl. Watching video's in secret was one thing but this was another. This was actively taking part in something that could only be described as perverted behavior. This would be bad if the truth got out. If anybody had any inkling why I was doing this they'd stone me with rocks.

My confidence wavered once again. I was on the cusp of aborting the plan when something inside me stirred for the second time. I held my breath as I watched Rachel Berry come strolling around the corner. My naughty schoolgirl. She seemed completely oblivious to everything going on around her. Her day was probably going great, she was no doubt peaceful and calm, content with her station in the high school regime. None of this mattered however. I was going to ruin it.

I gave the cup a squeeze and while holding my breath I tossed the slushie in her face. She froze in place and I watched the horror of my act hit her. I felt an immediate rush of shame and regret as I watched her eyes water. Was she going to cry? Her damp eyes turned to me with confusion and wonder and I knew right away what she was thinking. Why? Why would you do this to me? I swallowed hard and did the only thing I could. Answered the only way I knew how.

"Sorry loser. This is a no tranny zone." I raised my chin, smiled, tightened my pony tail and walked off before I had the urge to break down and apologize.

~Five minutes later~

After dousing Rachel in Cherry Slushie and endearing myself to Santana until our next inevitable blow up, I rushed to the girl's locker room and tucked myself into my carefully hidden cubby hole. It wasn't actually a cubby hole, technically it was an equipment closet. Coach Sylvester used it to store what she called 'essentials'. Cheerio's banners, confetti, and a smoke machine among other random stuff that I'd never seen her use. As head Cheerio I was required to carry around the key even though I've never actually had to use it. The room was positioned perfectly, it gave me a full unobstructed view of the locker room. It had a big wooden door with a window that had been painted over. I'd spent a half hour yesterday scratching off enough paint so I could discreetly peek out without being seen.

I can't believe I'm doing this. Crazy is the only word I can think to describe it. My palms were already starting to sweat, my underarms damp with perspiration. Was I really going to do this? Was I going to follow through with this evil, disgusting charade?

Before I could waver Rachel rushed into the locker room carrying a towel and a blue blouse. She hadn't wasted any time getting here today. She made a bee line to her gym locker all the while muttering incoherently to herself, no doubt complaining about my behavior. I watched her pull her ugly red and green giraffe sweater over her head and let it fall to her feet.

My stomach stirred again and I felt that flutter of excitement as she rubbed the towel over her flat stomach. My eyes hungrily roamed her tiny body, her dark skin glistening under the fluorescent light, her brown eyes shining. I watched in shamed silence while she unbuckled her pink butterfly bra and dried off her perky breasts. I bit my lip as her hands toweled her chest.

I felt the surge of excitement hit me hard this time. I couldn't deny it any longer. There was something wrong with me. I was spying on a half naked Rachel Berry, watching with lust filled eyes as she rubbed herself down. I was spending my nights watching stolen pornography starring a girl who looked like she could be Rachel's twin.

She let the towel fall to her feet and began to rub her small hands against her chest. My insides felt like they were going to explode and I squeezed my legs together tightly to fight off the tornado of need that was building in my body. This was getting crazy, I was turning into a sex crazed lesbian sex watching pervert.

The show was over just as fast as it began. She was re-clasping her bra and buttoning up her blouse and was out the door before I even had a chance to react to her absence.

I am such a dirty pervert. I scolded myself. Okay, I got it out of my system. I can move on now. I didn't need to do this again. I'd gotten my peek, it was over with. I would go home and destroy the video and reaffirm myself. I needed a boy. All I needed was to find a new boy to occupy my mind. I was being silly, I wasn't into Rachel Berry. It was just curiosity. Curiosity about what she looked like, and now that I'd seen I could move on. No problem. Easy fix.

I repeated this to myself while my heartbeat slowed and body temperature returned to normal. Never again. I would never do it again. I told myself this but even I didn't believe it. Something stirred inside me and I couldn't deny it any longer. Rachel Berry turned my world on it's axis and I'd been reduced to dousing her with Slushie's so I could see her naked in the girls locker room. No this wasn't over. No boy would fix this. I think I may be broken.

**Okay so I've been wondering what would it take for Quinn Fabray to actually realize she's not like other girls. I always tend to write Quinn a little strange, sometimes crazy. So I'm making an honest effort to make her true to life. Unfortunately I simply love the idea of her being a slight bit insane. I think she's the best character on the show and far and away the most entertaining to write. So please review and let me know what you think. Or don't, I understand. Empty Pen09**


	2. Chapter 2

~Friday 9:54~

It felt dirt and wrong but I couldn't stop. It was like I'd been shown some incredibly powerful secret and the only thing that could ease my mind was watching that damn video. Was it wrong? Did it make me gay? Of course not, of course it didn't make me gay. Weird, yes. A pervert, yes. A sick locker room peeping freak, maybe. But gay, of course not. Gay people did gay things. This wasn't technically gay. I'd watched a video, so what it was all girls getting it on. Totally normal, totally healthy to be curious about sex and sexuality at my age. Totally normal.

I repeated this to myself for nearly forty five minutes doing my best to convince myself that I was okay. It wasn't crazy to watch the video occasionally was it. I was sure I wasn't gay. I'd had sex with Puck. Sure I'd hated it and had no interest in having sex with a boy since that dreadful day. Okay and maybe Puck had plied me with enough wine coolers to make me curious what all the fuss was about. And besides I was a lightweight. It didn't take much before I was totally hammered enough too let him get my clothes off. I was a girl, I wasn't supposed to like it anyway. I wasn't supposed to be excited.

This new feeling however was something different. This was what I'd felt like I'd been missing. Excitement. Lust. The dreams. It was part of what made the whole thing so exciting. The fact that it was wrong. I knew I'd never act on it. That would be totally unacceptable. I'd throw myself off the nearest bridge before I actually acted on it, but maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't hurt to watch my naughty lesbian schoolgirl occasionally just to scratch the itch. It couldn't hurt could it? No, of course not. And it certainly wasn't gay.

I pulled off my headphones and ejected the disk from the tray. I should just break it. Break it and be done with it. That would put this whole thing to bed. Just rip the band aid off and all my problems would be over. I tapped the disk against the edge of my desk and tried to build up the courage to do it.

I'd put a lot of effort into making the video parent proof. I'd disposed of the DVD case in a drug store parking lot, a full two miles away from where I lived, in a dark unlit trash can that sat at the back of an empty parking lot. I'd taken a sharpie and colored in the cover of the disk itself. My Rachel porn star was undetectable to the human eyes. And to make things even more secure I put the video in a CD case and shoved the CD case in a box in my closet that was filled with old Cheerio's mementos. Of course I'd tossed a few other CD's in the box also, no need to draw attention to it. After I'd finished jumping through all these hoops I covered the box with a pair a sneakers and pushed the closet door closed. Not completely closed, slightly ajar. If my parents happened to come across the box they hopefully wouldn't think twice about it. If they did manage to open it they'd find a bunch of papers and a few CD's. Nobody listened to CD's anymore, and I doubt my parents knew who Pavement was, and if they did I doubted they wanted to listen to them sing.

I was fairly confident I could keep the thing for an extended period of time without getting myself busted. And with that slight bit of unfounded confidence I put the DVD away for the night. Okay. It had only been four days since I'd watched it last. I could do more than that. I could do say five, then six, then seven. Eventually I'd be strong enough to throw it away. I had will power. I was strong. I was Quinn Freaking Fabray. Head Cheerio. I'd overcame tougher obstacles then this. I'd had a freaking baby already. This should a be a cake walk.

~Monday 9:09am~

After breezing through the weekend I showed up to school on Monday feeling refreshed. It had been easier than I thought to rid myself of the video for a few days. It had been almost too easy. Of course that all ended Monday morning when I got to school.

"Did you see Man hands today?" Santana asked as she leaned across our lab table in Biology class. Santana and I shared the table with Brittany and another girl whose name I hadn't bothered to learn. We were given an open book Quiz on the different types of cells at the beginning of class and was told to work on it while our Biology teacher searched the internet at his desk. Our unnamed lab partner was working diligently, as was I. Brittany was drawing rainbows and unicorns on a sheet of loose leaf paper at her seat while Santana filled in answers on both their tests.

Santana always gave Brittany the answers. Since I'd known them it was sort of an unwritten rule that I not bring it up, ever, but it always loomed large over our studies. Santana was extremely bright. Brittany, not so much. It was obvious that they cheated but nobody questioned the fact that in the classes she shared with Santana she was pulling down straight A's.

It had almost drove me insane trying to figure out how they did it. I'd watched them like hawks for a whole semester trying to figure it out. On test days if Santana couldn't simply fill out the answers for Brittany she did what I liked to call the finger tap. For each answer she tapped a specific finger on her table or desk. Index finger for A, middle for B, ring for C, and pinkie for D. All Brittany had to do was watch Santana's hands. If she ever missed an answer she coughed and Santana repeated it. It was brilliant in it's simplicity. And due to the fact that Santana pulled down all A's in almost all her classes I did the smart thing and cheated right along with them. I'd improved my GPA by almost a full point since I figured out what they were doing. For the first time in my High School career I was a member of the National Honor Society.

"No, I didn't see Rupaul this morning." I said. The words stung my throat coming out. That was odd. Insulting Rachel didn't used to be difficult for me at all. Strange.

"She's all dressed up today. Some kind of experiment Frankenteen said. Something about Pat Benatar. She looks like a moron." Santana said. The way she said the words I knew better than to believe her. Santana was much too clever to let something stand at Moron. Just earlier today she'd spent a full two minutes explaining to Puck why he was a douchbag. She'd even managed to convince him he was a scum bag when she was done. No, she'd never let it just sit at moron. Not if she actually believed it.

"She looks super hot." Brittany dead panned, not bothering to look up from her unicorn picture. The comment got a simple shrug from Santana.

"Really? I bet she's wearing something 80's like Acid washed jeans or jelly bracelets." I said. It wasn't much as far as slams go but I didn't feel like thrashing Rachel today. She was on my immunity list after I'd perv'd on her in the locker room.

"Leather pants and a leopard print top so tight I can see her heart beat." Santana said with a snicker. "I can practically see through it. It's so tight that." She stopped mid sentence and out of the corner of my eye I could see that Brittany was staring at her. Santana's head went back down to the quiz and went back to work. "Mr. Jackson may as well have sat Raymond Dart in the front of the class. This test is a joke. Open Book. He may as well just write the answers on the board."

I had no idea who Raymond Dart was. "Who's Raymond Dart?" I asked.

"He invented Pop Tarts." Brittany said. She was still diligently working on her artwork. Santana looked over at me without a hint of condescension and shook her head, negating Brittany's explanation silently.

I finished my test and sat through the rest of class doing my best not to fall asleep. After the test was over I did notice Brittany slide her finished picture to Santana. I watched her fold it up neatly and shove it into her purse after eyeing it carefully. She looked as if she'd been given the Mona Lisa.

They were so strange together. They always looked out for one another. Santana got Brittany through school and Brittany made sure everyone didn't hate Santana. I bet they didn't have a problem with girl on girl loving. Of course they were both huge sluts, complete degenerates, so their votes didn't really count. I bet they'd have watched Rachel with me from the equipment room. They wouldn't have thought I was sick. Still, I had no intention of finding out.

~Monday 10:02~

I hated to admit it but as soon as I left Bio class I went looking for Rachel. She had algebra next period and I hustled through the halls to the math department to get a glance of her. When I saw her something inside me exploded.

The itch returned with a vengeance. It swept me up in it's grip and squeezed my body all over. I felt like I was going to pop. No, this wasn't right. I was doing so well. I had gone two days without watching the damn video and last night I hadn't dreamt about Rachel/Lesbian Schoolgirl. This wasn't fair. How could she do this to me?

Brittany had been right. She looked fabulous. Rachel Berry was tiny, barely five foot two, maybe five three and probably a hundred pounds soaking wet. Still she looked like a movie star. The tight black leather pants clung to her legs, hips, and ass perfectly. The skin tight leopard print top may as well have been painted on it was so tight.

I couldn't help but stare at her as she swayed down the hallway. It felt strange staring at her ass as she walked away. There was something wrong with me. Something was broken in my mind. I was looking at her ass and I wanted to grab it. I wanted to walk up behind her and run my hands all over it. It was tiny like her but it was perfect. What the hell would she really be able to do if I did grab it? If I followed her into the bathroom and gave her a little grope would she freak out? She'd probably tell on me and I'd end up on the sex offender website. I needed to be alone with her. Just once. I had to find a way to get her alone. I needed another plan.

Just as my mind began to connect the dots Rachel looked over her shoulder and flipped her hair. She looked back into the crowd and locked eyes with me. My heart fluttered when her lips curled into a tiny smile. I panicked. I rushed down the hallway at a near sprint. When I finally reached her I took an open palm and knocked her books out of her hand.

She frowned at me. Frowned just enough to make my stomach drop. "Quinn!" She called out to me. She sounded like a child after someone snatched their favorite toy.

"Oops." Was all I could say.

She didn't back down. "Are you going to tell me what I did?"

"Shut up. Look I need you to do me a favor. I need a ride home after Cheerio's today." It was lame but it was my only shot. I had to get her alone. Today, while she looked so hot in her new outfit.

"I thought you rode with Santana and Brittany." Rachel said suddenly confused.

"Look, are you going to do it or not?"

Rachel immediately relented. "Yeah, I could take you home I guess."

"Good, meet me in the parking lot at 4."

She still wasn't sure what was going on but she nodded her understanding and agreement anyway. "Okay."

My eyes scanned her from head to toe. There were a ton of kids in the hallway but somehow they'd all become invisible. I had to do something to ease the tightness in my body. But what? Then a spark of genius overcame me.

"You look really good today. But I liked the other look better. The plaid skirt and the top you wore last year."

Rachel was totally confused now but she nodded along. "Yeah, I liked that too."

I reached out and touched her stomach careful to rub my hands across her abdomen slowly. It felt so good I wanted to cry. She didn't back away from my touch but my body shuddered. "This looks uncomfortable. It looks too tight."

"It's a tad uncomfortable."

The realization that I was stroking her stomach in the middle of the hallway suddenly hit me. What the hell was I doing? Was I copping a feel? In front of half the school? What the hell was wrong was with me?

The shame over what I was doing took over and I pushed her backwards against a bank of lockers. "You look like a prostitute in this," I said as I turned to storm off. For good measure I kicked her floored books down the hall.

~Parking Lot 4:02~

After what I'd done earlier today I didn't expect her to show up but she was waiting for me when I stepped out of the locker room after Cheerio's. I'd half expected her to be gone, or worse to stand me up. When I stepped out into the fresh afternoon air and saw her sitting in her black Toyota Celica I knew for a fact that she was probably too confused, or too curious to stand me up.

I rushed over to her car hoping none of the Cheerio's would see me get inside. I tossed my bag over the seat and sat down. I let the door slam behind me and gave Rachel a slight nod.

"What are you waiting for, go." I practically screamed at her.

She shifted the car into gear and pulled away at a crawl and I fought back the urge to slap her. She was still wearing her new clothes and I couldn't help but sneak a peek.

"Quinn can I ask you a question?" She asked. Her voice was shaky and soft. Was she afraid of me?

"Yeah, sure." I said hoping my tone relieved some of her fears. If she was afraid of me that would be bad. She'd probably be too afraid to hang out with me. Not that we were going to be hanging out. I wanted to spend a little bit of time with her, maybe get her alone for a little while and move on with my life. Rachel Berry free.

"Why are you being so mean to me? I know we aren't friends but I was sure we'd learned to stay out of each others way. The other day when you Slushied me, I wanted to cry."

I began to shake my head. "Rachel I'm sorry about the Slushie thing. It was a mistake. But we can't talk about that right now, right now I think we need to go to your house."

"My house?" She asked suddenly uncomfortable. She had to be thinking what I was thinking, that we didn't hang out. We'd never spent any time together just the two of us. At least not where it didn't involve the Glee club in some way.

"Yes, your house. Now I'll explain when we get there."

~Six minutes later~

"Your bedroom is really pretty." I said as I looked around. Rachel's bedroom was very pink. Very girlie. I liked it but that wasn't the point of my visit. I had to stick to my plan. Accomplish my goal then get her to take me home.

"Will you tell me what we're doing here now?"

It was a good question, one I didn't plan on her asking. I'd lured Rachel back to her place under the guise of confessing the reasons for my behavior. Once I was here I was planning on putting my latest plan into effect. The only downside was I hadn't thought about what I was going to tell her. Clearly it wasn't as well thought out as my Slushie plan. That had gone off without a hitch. This on the other hand was a bit more spontaneous. Being spontaneous was going to be the death of me.

I decided to wing it. "I want us to be friends Rachel. I want us to be the kind of friends who hang out together and watch movies, maybe go to lunch together. I like you. The only problem with that is that I still have a problem with you because of what happened between you and Finn."

Rachel nodded, my lame and poorly thought out excuse seemed to be enough for her. Imagine that.

"I want us to be friends too Quinn. I still don't understand why it is you're mean to me. I mean what happened between the two of us and Finn was years ago. And you guys weren't even together back then."

Oh come on, really. Can't she just accept what I'm saying so we can move on? Well if I learned one thing from Sue Sylvester its never feel the need to explain yourself. Especially to underlings.

"That's all in the past. If we're going to be friends I want us to be able to be honest with one another. And earlier when I said you looked like a prostitute, that was mean. I just think you looked better in the other outfit."

Rachel shrugged. "I liked it too. But it was really just a goof."

I did my best to hold it together. "Do you still have that outfit?"

She shrugged. "I supposed so."

"You should go put it on." As soon as I said it I knew I'd pushed her too fast. She looked at me with wide eyes. I know I must have seemed insane to her. It was completely out of the blue.

"Why?" She asked.

Jesus. Just shut up and do it already.

"I want to compare the two. I want to see which one looks better. We're friends remember. Friends do this kind of thing."

She wasn't convinced but I could tell she was on the fence. "It was a blue sweater with a white top, red bra and plaid skirt."

She smiled at me. "You have a really good memory you know that?"

I nodded. But only because I'd watched her porno twin in various stages of the outfit for the past two and a half weeks. "I do. Now why don't you go get dressed?"

She seemed to be excited by the thought of it. "Okay. I can do that. Just wait right here."

"Rachel, we're girls. What do you think I'm going to check you out or something? Go ahead and change right here."

Rachel was sold on the idea and rushed to the closet to grab her schoolgirl clothes. While her back was turned I reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone. I'd set up the camera back at school while I planned this. I needed to get a few shots of her in the schoolgirl outfit.

Just this one last thing, one last thing and I swear I was done with this. I felt the twinge of naughtiness as I watched her undress. It wasn't that I was attracted to her, I was just curious. I wanted to see if her wearing the outfit did the same thing to me as the video itself. And if she got naked in front of me well that was just a little small thing on the side. A rub for the itch.

I hit the photo button and snapped the first of the pictures. Just a tiny little memento of our little time together. Totally harmless. I'll just take a few, Rachel wouldn't mind. As I took the pictures I thought about what exactly it was I was doing. Yeah, Rachel wouldn't be okay with this. This could be bad. Well, I just have to make sure this isn't an issue, she can't find out about it. And I have to spend a little time with Rachel Berry. Just to keep her off the scent. If I just disappear she'll know something was up. I have to see her to keep her from asking questions. Totally necessary that we hang out.


	3. Chapter 3

~Tuesday 9:52pm~

I couldn't bring myself to look at the pictures anymore. I'd spent the last few days studying every inch of Rachel's semi-nude body until I knew every inch of her like the back of my hand. I'd memorized every curve, every dimple, and every freckle on her olive skin. I'd studied them so much I was nearly embarrassed. I'd taken twelve pictures in all. Twelve pictures of a girl who I was supposed to hate. A girl I'd called terrible names, and whispered mean things about to anybody who'd listen. It hadn't seemed like a huge deal when I'd done it. But once I'd gotten home, climbed under my blankets and studied the pictures I realized the truth. It was huge. I had pictures of her in various stages of undress. Some in her underwear, some topless. I couldn't believe it, I had topless pictures of her. My initial goal of course was simply to get pictures of her in her schoolgirl outfit. That was pretty innocent. Of course things changed when she got naked. Things changed a lot. I couldn't help myself from taking pictures. It was like I was some teenage Larry Flint. I knew it was wrong, a huge violation of her privacy, but I couldn't stop myself.

Of course to be on the safe side I didn't leave them on my cell phone. Leaving them on my cell was an unnecessary risk. I had to protect her, I had to keep anybody from seeing them. It was the least I could do. As long as nobody else saw them it wouldn't be a big deal. I wasn't hurting anybody. It would be totally fine.

The first thing I did after Rachel took me home was disable my laptop's internet access. I didn't want to take the chance of pressing a wrong button and having the pictures go viral. Next I downloaded the photo's onto my computer and deleted them from my phone. After that I downloaded them onto a disk and deleted them from my computer. Then I spent an hour carefully going over every way I could think of to pull up the photos from my computer. I was pretty tech savvy and once I realized I couldn't do it I knew it was probably impossible to see them without a degree from MIT. Confident my parents could never recover them I put the disk in one of the CD cases hidden in my Cheerio's mementos shoe box.

This wasn't terrible was it? I mean I know it's not acceptable behavior but if she found out she wouldn't think I was crazy would she? I mean it's not like I'm molesting her or anything. I'm just looking at a few pictures. It's practically harmless. Almost a compliment that I find her so interesting. Girls admire other girls bodies right? That's normal isn't it?

Still I felt guilty. So guilty I wasn't sleeping at night. Last night I'd looked at the pictures on my computer and the uncontrollable urge came over me. The pressing need of my body to achieve relief. The stifling urge to satisfy myself had taken control again and during the middle of the night I'd done it again.

When I finished I cried. I cried like I had when I was a kid and things hadn't gone my way. A steady stream of tears and hard sobs. Why couldn't I beat this? What was wrong with me that I couldn't stop this? It was bad enough that I was watching porn. But it was progressing. I was spying on her in the locker room and dreaming about her. Now I was masturbating to naked pictures of her. I was ashamed. I couldn't believe it, I had taken naked pictures of her without her knowledge. I was a sex offender.

Fed up with my behavior I climbed off my bed and went to my closet and dug out the disk. Red faced and crying I dug out a pair of sharp scissors and slashed the back of the photo disk. It was destroyed. I'd never see it again. For good measure I dug out the DVD and slashed it too. I'd destroyed them both. It was finally over. They were out of my life.

I felt an immediate wave of relief. The temptation was gone, I'd done it. I'd beaten it. It was over. I took a moment to gather myself and get my head together. To ice the cake I gave both disks a few more scratches then dumped them both into my purse. I'd throw them away on my way to school tomorrow and move on with my life.

~Wednesday 7:43am~

I'd gotten my second full night's sleep in two weeks last night and I felt like a million bucks. I tossed the disks into a random trashcan after snapping them both in half and went to school. I felt like my old self again. I held my head high as I walked the halls and basked in the glow that was Quinn Fabray.

Finally I was back to my old self. I was ready to put all this stuff behind me. I'd beaten my demon and was ready to face the world anew. Now all I needed was to reaffirm myself. I needed to find a new boy. Somebody easy who won't pressure me to have sex, or God forbid want me to spend lots of time with him. Maybe I can date out of my social circle. A nerd maybe. A boy like that would let me do whatever I wanted for the privilege of being seen with me. And who knows if I find somebody smart enough maybe I can help turn him into the next Bill Gates.

"Fabray. What the hell happened to you yesterday?"

I didn't see Santana sneak up on me but she was like a ninja sometimes. If you weren't careful you'd never see her coming. She's dangerous that way. Most of my day was spent trying to stay one step ahead of her.

I had no idea what she was talking about. "What are you talking about? What was yesterday?"

"Brittany's. We were supposed to hang out yesterday. I texted you like a hundred times."

Damn. I'd turned my cell phone off when I got home from school so I could perv out over the Rachel nudie shots. My obsession was completely taking over my life. I know I did the right thing by destroying them now.

"I wasn't feeling good. I stayed in bed." I lied. It was the only thing I could sell that Santana would actually believe.

Still she smirked. That pretty smirk that only she could pull off. Devious and adorable yet still creepy and nerve-wracking. The look that made you feel as if she knew more than you and was just stringing you along for her own amusement.

"You sure? You've been acting weird these past few days." She asked. She wasn't looking at me now, her attention had shifted to something down the hall and I took the opportunity to try and sell the lie now that her focus was divided.

"I'm fine. Just hormones. The pregnancy threw my body out of whack and every once in a while I get weird."

"That sucks." Santana said half heartedly. She wasn't paying attention to me at all now, thank God.

Just when I thought I was in the clear Santana spoke up again. This time she was looking right at me with a smile that was definitely meant for me to see.

"Here comes your new girlfriend." She said.

I looked down the hallway in the direction her attention had just shifted from and saw Rachel walking with Finn. She was attached to his hip, as usual, her arm looped around his like some black and white film actress. They were having a conversation that had them both smiling and happy. The sight of them together pissed me off and I lost it.

"Girlfriend? I'm not the one having sex with my best friend." I regretted it the second I opened my mouth. Santana didn't want to discuss this, and neither did I. Not really. My overzealous reaction was no doubt going to raise a few eyebrows. Santana was smart, she'd figure something out. It was a bad move. One or two seconds to think it through and she'd have me all figured out.

That didn't happen however. The moment I said the words she freaked. She grabbed my neck with her strong hand and shoved me against the locker so hard my head banged against the metal. I thought she was going to choke me to death. I was so shocked by her reaction I didn't say anything, I didn't even try to fight her off.

"I don't give a shit what your problem is Quinn. But keep me out of it. Me and Brittany are none of your business."

"Fine. Now let me go." I squeaked doing my best to sound in control. Half the kids in the hallway were watching us now.

"Say it. Out loud." Santana insisted.

Normally I'd tell her to go stand in traffic but the look in her eyes made me uncomfortable. She was serious. Deadly serious. I'd struck some sort of nerve.

"I'll mind my own business." I said. She must have heard the defeat in my voice because her features softened.

"Santana you brute. Let go of her." Rachel said rushing over to my defense. She was standing inches away from Santana's face but knew better than to touch her. Santana had no problem beating people up. Even with my Queen Bitch status the girl had literally tossed me around during our only physical confrontation. I knew I'd never win a fight with her and Rachel was too tiny and delicate to fight anyone. I conceded to Santana's physical superiority and defused the situation. Besides I didn't want Rachel to get hurt trying to defend me.

"It's fine Rachel." I said hoping to defuse the situation without setting Santana off. "We're totally fine."

Santana pulled her hand away from my neck, still glaring at Rachel. "Don't ever tell me what to do Hobbit." She turned her attention back to me and something that looked like regret momentarily flashed in her eyes. "I'll see you in Biology."

I watched her walk off and stared as the crowd parted like the Red Sea. For bitchy emphasis she tightened her ponytail as she walked away.

"Are you okay Quinn?" Rachel asked me. She'd come to stand beside me and was staring at my neck which I was positive was red and without a doubt still had Santana's hand prints on it.

"I'm fine Rach." I said doing my best not to look at her.

"What was that about?" Finn asked. I'd forgotten about Frankenteen. He reached over and began to pat my shoulder. It was supposed to be comforting, a nice gesture between friends to show sympathy. Instead it set me off.

How dare he put his meaty hands all over me. Those hands that he pawed all over Rachel with. I couldn't handle it. I hated him. He was the reason all this was happening to me. He'd failed me as a boyfriend. He'd let Puck swoop in with wine coolers and get me pregnant. If he had been a good boyfriend none of this would have happened. It was all Finn's fault. I hated Finn Hudson.

"Get your damn hands off me." I said smacking it away from my body. "And mind your own business. I don't remember asking for your help."

"Quinn, calm down." Rachel said trying to handle me. Instead of speaking I gave her a glare. My meanest tough girl glare and she quickly backed off.

I took this as an opportunity to make my exit. I shoulder bumped Finn as I pushed past him and practically stomped down the hallway. Every eye was on me and I suddenly felt self conscious. I was freaking the hell out. They all saw it.

"What are you losers looking at? Don't you have a game of Dungeons and Dragons to play? Or a Myspace account to update?"

That backed them all up. They all shifted their gazes to the floor and to their lockers until I was out of sight. Good. At least something still worked for me.

~Wednesday 9:01 Biology class~

"Are you okay? I heard about the fight," Brittany asked as she sat down beside me at our Biology table. Our lab partner was already sitting across from me and I could tell by her shifty eyes she was doing her best to pretend she was minding her own business.

"I'm fine." Was all I could say. What else could I say?

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

She frowned. "Quinn."

"Santana made a comment and we had a difference of opinion."

All Brittany did was nod. She was the polar opposite of Santana. They were so different I always found myself wondering how they managed to stay so close. Where Santana was a raging bull, Brittany was a hummingbird. She didn't press hard, all she did was reach over and grab my arm.

"What did she say?" She finally asked.

"Nothing. She made a comment about Rachel being my new girlfriend."

Brittany began to shake her head as if the comment from Santana didn't surprise her a bit. "She was just pissed off because you didn't show up last night. She thought you were ditching us for Rachel again."

"Again?" I asked.

"Yeah, we saw her take you home the other day and then there was the locker room thing."

Oh my God, Oh my God. The locker room thing? What was she talking about? Did they know? "What locker room thing?" Please don't let them know. Please.

"The other day you guys were in the locker room together. At least that's what Santana said. She didn't see you guys talking but she saw Rachel come out then you followed like a minute later."

I let myself breathe again. They didn't know. Thank God. To cover I scoffed at Brittany's comment. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"It's okay. You and Rachel I mean." Brittany said softly.

My heart began to pound. I had to defuse this. "There is no me and Rachel. She gave me a ride home. I had to apologize to her for some stuff I did. It wasn't anything."

"It' fine," she said turning her attention back to the table. "You can be friends with whoever you want to. You don't have to hide it from us."

"I'm not hiding anything." I said with an edge to my voice that startled even me. Getting mouthy is part of the reason I was in this trouble in the first place. It seems I'd totally overreacted to what Santana had said in the hallway. When she called Rachel my new girlfriend it turns out she didn't mean anything by it. She meant girlfriend in the same vein as she and Brittany were my girlfriends. I'd taken what she said and completely ran the other way with it. She was making one of her usual smart alec comments and I'd blown it completely out of proportion.

"Fine." Was all Brittany said but her attention had shifted to Santana who was coming through the door. By the look in her eyes I could tell she didn't want to argue with me anymore but the smirk on her face told a whole different story.

"Fabray." She said as she took her seat across from Brittany at the lab table.

"Santana." I said not backing down. I couldn't back down to her twice in one day. "What's up?"

"Nothing." She said with a smile. "Nothing at all."

"Well, are we cool?"

She nodded. "Super."

~4:12pm After School~

I stepped out of the locker room with a head of wet hair. I hated Coach Sylvester. HATED her! She was such a dictator. Worse than a dictator. She's like Pol Pot. Okay not really like Pol Pot, that's insensitive, she's never killed anyone. Not that I know of at least. But I did feel like I was dying. My legs were throbbing, my stomach was empty from puking and despite all that she swore that tomorrow we'd start the hard part. I hated cheerleading. If it wasn't the lynch pin of my high school popularity I'd quit in a second.

"Quinn. Quinn." I heard someone calling me and I knew right away it was Rachel. Nobody sounded like her.

She was sitting in her little Toyota with the engine idling at the curb. "Quick, Quick, let's go." She sounded excited like they were going to rob a bank and she was driving the get away car.

"Rachel what are you doing here?" I asked. I was shocked to see her. I wanted to scream with excitement. She wanted to see me.

"I'm rescuing you. Now quick get in before somebody sees us."

This should be good. I hopped inside dropping my bag into the back seat. "So where are we off to?"

She smiled. "My place. We can hang out some more."

I wanted to ask why. Why would she come to get me? I wanted to ask, but I didn't. I didn't care. I wanted to see her. I wanted to spend time with her. I was secretly regretting getting rid of my video's. Why the hell did I do that? They weren't hurting anybody.

Sitting so close to Rachel wasn't helping. Smelling her perfume, looking at her beautiful skin. She had the prettiest smile. Light hypnotizing brown eyes that were suddenly sending my heart into a tailspin. I bit the corner of my lip as I tried hard to focus. It seemed almost impossible. I breathed in her scent and was blindsided by the itch.

It came back with a vengeance. Vicious intensity and crippling force. It practically blinded me it hit me so hard. I couldn't fight this. I wasn't strong enough. The harder I pushed it away, the more intense it came back. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It steam rolled over my willpower like a juggernaut.

"Why are you doing this?" I finally asked her.

"Because you seem terribly unhappy these days. If we're going to be friends I want to help you. I'm going to make you tell me what's wrong. Friends are honest with each other remember?"

I laughed inside. My own words coming back to haunt me. Damn spontaneity. "There's nothing wrong. I'm just sort of lonely. Are you doing anything this weekend? My parents are going to Cleveland for their high school reunion. Why don't you come over and spend the weekend with me?"

Rachel didn't think twice about it. She seemed to jump at the chance. "That sounds like fun. I'll talk to my dads but I'm sure they'll say it's fine. My social interactions with girls my own demographic are important to them."

I wanted to laugh at her overly analytical explanation but my wheels were already spinning. I needed another plan. I wanted to make the most of our time together and with a bit of careful planning I could finally get this monkey off my back and move forward. Maybe if I couldn't beat it I could maintain it. Keep it at bay. I could keep throwing it the occasional bone and stifle it as much as possible until I figured out another way to fix it. That was the ultimate plan. The immediate plan was more intense. I needed satisfaction. Immediate satisfaction, this weekend would be special. I had to start planning.

**Please forgive me if I slow down the pace of this story. For some strange reason it's bringing up all this crazy stuff in my head and I'm having a hard time dealing. Weird? I don't know maybe it's the way I write, all consuming, emotionally invested, living vicariously? Maybe this is why some writers are alcoholics and shut ins. Maybe dealing with Quinn's realizations is forcing me to deal with some unresolved issues. I don't know, then again, maybe I'm just insane.**


	4. Chapter 4

~Thursday 1:03pm Choir Room~

The only good thing about getting pregnant by Puck was that he felt so guilty about it that he would go above and beyond the call of duty to appease me when I asked for a favor. So when I approached him before Glee club and told him I needed a favor the first thing out of his mouth was, 'Name it momma. Anything.'

"Puck I need you to score me some wine coolers."

He laughed. Actually laughed at me the big jerk. Since when did this become funny?

"Wine coolers? What are we supposed to do with those? We can't have a real party with wine coolers. How about a six pack of Bud? Some vodka. Oh, I know, some jello shots."

I had to nip this in the bud. Puck was not going to ruin this for me. "We aren't having a party. I drank some of my mom's wine coolers while they're out of town and I need to replace them before they get back."

Puck looked at me with skepticism. "Really? How many?"

"Three six packs."

He laughed again. "You drank eighteen wine coolers? You must have been wasted. What are you doing turning into a lush? It only took two to get your pants off."

"Are you going to get them or not?" This conversation was annoying me. I had to make this happen and Puck was my only source for booze. If he didn't score it for me I'd have to stand outside of a liquor store in a slutty outfit and beg some perverted old man to buy it for me.

He shrugged. "Yeah, whatever but it's going to cost you."

I handed him thirty dollars. How much did alcohol cost? It was expensive right? "That's enough right?"

He looked it over quickly his eyes round and excited. "I think I can make that work. What kind?"

"What kind of what?" I asked him. He'd lost me.

"What flavor of wine coolers? If you're replacing them you better make sure you replace them with the right kind otherwise you're going to get caught."

Damn. Details Quinn. Pull it together. Do your damn homework. This is how you fail. I had to go home and go over this plan again. This simply wouldn't do. If I couldn't even fool Puck I surely couldn't fool Rachel.

"Uh, the strawberry kind."

He nodded. "Strawberry Daiquiri."

Nice save. "Yeah, strawberry Daiquiri."

"I'll bring them by tonight," he said as he walked away to grab his seat. "I'm keeping your change by the way. Consider it the Puckerman tax."

I watched him take his seat and relaxed a bit. Phase one of the plan was done. Now all I needed to do was initiate phase two. Phase two was the actual executing of the plan. This would be a lot harder than tricking Rachel into getting naked in front of me. This would actually involve her spending time with me, at my house, just the two of us.

"Quinn, how you doin?"

Finn. What was his problem? Why is he trying to be nice to me. The guy was a total basset hound. Nipping at my heel looking for validation. I can't believe Rachel was into him. What did she see in him? He was popular yeah, but that was only because he was the captain of the football team. He wasn't even that good either. I'd pretended to be excited while he dreamed of playing college ball. I'd heard through the grape vine that he wasn't good enough to do that. I wanted to laugh in his face. I would have if Rachel hadn't been standing right next to him.

God why was Rachel wasting her time? She had such a bright future in front of her. She would go off to New York and make something of herself. Finn would probably never leave Lima. He'd be a Lima loser. What did she want with a Lima loser? Besides she was way too pretty for him too. He was cute in a boyish way. That served him good in high school but it wouldn't last, high school was almost over. Rachel would stay pretty forever. I could just tell.

I flashed a smile, no need in making an enemy of Rachel's boyfriend. Finn was so insecure he'd start asking questions if I wasn't nice to him. He'd probably try to turn Rachel against me. No, that couldn't happen. At least not until after this weekend.

"Finn." I answered doing my best not to sound bitchy.

"You seemed pretty upset yesterday, are you alright now?"

Nosy bastard. "I'm fine. Why?"

He shrugged and took his seat. Instead of sitting down I went and stood near Brad and his piano and waited for Rachel. Brad wasn't paying any attention to me and gracefully I ignored him right back. Why couldn't all friends be like him?

Rachel swept into the room like Grace Kelly. My mind flashed back to the DVD I'd foolishly destroyed and cursed myself for being rash. The DVD wasn't hurting anybody. It wasn't it's fault that I was a pervert. Watching it was actually good for me. It kept me from doing crazy things, like this plan I had for this weekend. Last night I'd gone to bed early and when I climbed under the blanket I closed my eyes tight and tried to picture my Lesbian Schoolgirl. It didn't work. I was lost without it. My itch wasn't getting scratched.

She gave me a soft smile rounding it off with a playful wink and something inside my stomach flipped. What the hell is that? It had happened several times last night when we'd hung out at her house. The stomach thing. Every touch, almost every smile, sent my body into mass hysteria. I couldn't explain it. It was odd.

I smiled back at her and watched as she walked to the front of the class and took her seat next to Finn. From my spot at the piano I glanced in her direction and watched her make herself comfortable. I watched her cross her legs and something smiled inside me as I caught the slightest glance of her black panties.

The glimpse dulled the nagging in my brain but didn't ease it completely. It was almost as if something inside me said, that would do for now. I didn't move right away. That would be too obvious so I waited another moment or two until Santana and Brittany came into the room. They were linked by their pinkies and when Santana saw me standing near the front of the class she made a face. A confused face.

"Fabray." Was all she said.

"Lopez." I threw back at her.

Mr. Schue stepped into the room his gelled head full of steam. "Okay class, today's lesson…"

He prattled on. I silently took my seat and tuned him out until we got to the part where we got to sing. That was the best part anyway.

~Friday 8:47pm Fabray Hot Tub~

The effects of the alcohol hit Rachel hard. She'd only drank one wine cooler but she was so tiny it was more than enough to get her buzzed. She even suggested that we use my parents hot tub. I had spent the better part of the day trying to figure out how to talk her into getting into it without seeming creepy. All that planning and it didn't even end up being an issue because Rachel had brought her bathing suit and suggested early that we should enjoy it. Apparently she'd never been in a hot tub before and she clearly didn't know hot tubs got you drunk really fast. Like super fast. Not telling her this seemed okay because it was after all her idea we do it. I couldn't be blamed for it. Not really. She was my guest and guests were always right.

I pressed my body next to her in the hot water and watched her nurse her second wine cooler. Thank God Puck had come through for me, it was definitely worth thirty bucks. Instead of getting her to slow down I pressed her to drink faster. The close confines of the hot tub made it impossible for me to keep my distance. Every so often I'd let my hand slide across her thigh under the water. It was thrilling and still she didn't pull away from me. I could feel my leg pressed against her leg but she didn't seem to mind it at all. This was a great idea. A total success.

"I think I may be getting drunk Quinn. I should slow down." She said cautiously.

"Rachel don't freak out. It's just the two of us here. If you throw up I won't tell anybody. I'll take care of you. Let your hair down for once. Enjoy life."

She smiled and relented without further goading. "Okay, but don't let me make a fool of myself."

"Never."

~Friday 9:36pm Fabray Hot Tub~

"Have I ever told you how pretty you are? You are the most beautiful girl I know. Like a goddess." Rachel was saying. She was clearly wasted and therefore hadn't noticed me slip my arm around her as she leaned her head onto my shoulder. I ran my finger through her hair as she told me how pretty she thought I was. It felt like heaven. All the pain and hurt I'd been going through these past few weeks faded instantly.

Everything was working perfectly. She was drunk and therefore wouldn't remember the closeness I had initiated between us. The nagging itch in my brain was finally quiet and I wanted nothing more than to stay like this all night. It felt good. Exactly what I needed.

"You're very pretty too Rachel." I told her.

She pulled her head away from my shoulder and began to shake her head. "No. No, No, No. You don't get to call me pretty. You were mean to me. You slushied me. You made me cry. In the locker room I cried."

"No you didn't." I said. I may have been busy watching her get undressed but I was sure she hadn't cried.

"I could have cried. I almost cried."

"Yeah but you didn't."

"Finn says you don't like me. He said we shouldn't be friends," she admitted. I knew this was something she'd never say while she was sober. Rachel and Finn were the mother and father hens of the Glee club. They'd taken it upon themselves to make sure everybody in the group was happy and getting along. Rachel would never admit to me that Finn didn't want us hanging out, at least not while she was clean and sober. This was simply drunk talk. Open mouthed, truth speaking drunk talk.

"Finn's just jealous of us. He's angry because I told him he's a bad kisser."

Rachel rested her head back on my shoulder. "He's an okay kisser."

"He is not. You're his girlfriend so you have to say he's okay. I'm his ex-girlfriend so I can be mean."

Rachel's hand reached across both our bodies and touched my chin. "I wish I was you sometimes Quinn. You're so pretty. I always wonder what you're doing and what you're thinking. Is that weird?" Her words were barely audible but my parents were both no strangers to the bottle. I spoke fluent drunk.

"No, it's not weird."

I reached out and grabbed hold of her hand and pulled it down to the spot where our legs touched. I liked being with her like this. My plan had gone off basically without a hitch. I could hold her and touch her and be close to her and she'd never be any the wiser. She wouldn't remember any of this in the morning. Nobody would know anything. It was almost too perfect.

"I like being your friend Quinn."

"I like being your friend too Rachel." She suddenly yanked her hand free and pulled away from me. It was so sudden, so quick, that it made me nervous. I almost panicked until I realized she was simply reaching for her bottle.

"I'll drink to that!" She said, a little too loudly and a tab obnoxiously. I ignored it. It was a small price to pay to be this close to her. She took a long drink and without warning shot to her feet and toasted some imaginary person next to her. "We'll drink to that!"

She stumbled a tad and almost slipped but my hands shot to her waist and steadied her. I fought off the urge to grope her. She looked nice today. She'd brought a pretty two piece navy blue bathing suit that hugged her skinny hips and covered her breasts perfectly exposing a nice bit of cleavage. Just enough skin to catch my attention periodically throughout the night.

"Rach you have to be careful. You're going to get hurt."

She laughed as if I'd said something funny. "You won't let me get hurt. You'll catch me."

"Sit down honey." I pleaded.

She frowned and mumbled something even I couldn't decipher and sat down. She looked at me still frowning and I got the impression she was upset with me. At least she was a fun drunk. Impulsive, moody and erratic. I liked drunk Rachel.

"Does Finn know how lucky he is?" I asked her.

"Finn can be a bonehead. He's always talking about my feelings. Sometimes I just want to make out Quinn. Did he do that with you? Spoil things by being such a girl."

He didn't but I didn't want her to like Finn anyway. He was a bonehead. "Yes. He's such a girl sometimes. Only he's the type of girl that you can make out with."

Rachel nodded eagerly. "Yeah. He's a girl. Making out with him is like making out with a girl."

The itch in my brain crept back up to the surface. It was poking me and prodding me to push the limits of this opportunity.

"Making out with him IS like making out with a girl. It's like the two of us making out."

Rachel stared at me, her drunk mind pouring over what I'd just said. Suddenly her eyes widened. "It is. It's like you and me are making out. Because we've both made out with him."

I nodded. "Right. So if I leaned over and kissed you it wouldn't be a big deal because you've already kissed him, and so have I, and it would be like the exact same thing."

Rachel thought about this too. "Wait, that's not right is it? That doesn't sound right."

I nodded. "Of course it is. You're drunk Rach, you're not thinking straight."

She looked confused. "I'm not?"

"Of course not silly. It's totally fine for me to kiss you." I pressed onward. I'd never get another opportunity like this.

"I don't think that's right." She crossed her arms across her chest.

Figuring I'd never get another opportunity like this I reached out and stroked her stomach. It felt just as smooth as it had that day in the hall. She still didn't flinch under my touch.

"Just one kiss Rach. If it's weird we won't do it again. Nobody has to know."

Her arms fell away from her chest and she looked at me, she looked a bit more sober than she had a second ago. Strange. "Really. You won't tell?"

I laughed. "Of course not, people will think we're gay if we tell."

She smiled. "My dad's are gay."

"I know honey. Close your eyes, I'm gonna kiss you now."

She sat up straight and closed her eyes super tight. She seemed almost excited by the idea. My heart began to pound in my chest. The itch in my brain was going nuts. The anticipation was making me crazy. I can't believe I was going to do this. It was really happening. Just this once and never again. Never again after today I swear. She won't even remember it. It wouldn't hurt anybody.

I pulled my hand away from her abs and brought it to her cheek. She was so pretty, and her skin was so soft. I couldn't not do this. This was my reward for tossing the DVD and the nudie shots I'd taken of her into the trash. This was fate's way of saying 'Good Job Quinn.'

I leaned into her and pressed my lips against hers and something inside me lit on fire. It was nothing like kissing Puck, or Finn, or Sam. This was something else. This was Earthquakes and volcano eruptions. This was a class four hurricane.

It was intense. So intense I almost didn't hear my name being called. "Fabray. Fabray. You back here?"

No! No damnit. It wasn't fair. This was my chance, my only chance. The voice, clearly Santana, was practically standing on top of me. I pulled away from Rachel with lightening speed. Rachel opened her eyes. She was smiling at me then brought her finger up to her lips as if to say shh, it's our secret. I returned the gesture and climbed out of the hot tub. I stood on the side of it frozen in place. Unsure of what to do next. I hadn't planned for visitors.

"Santana we're back here." I said doing my best to sound excited to see her. Deep down I hated her. She ruined everything. What was she even doing here? Was she spying on me?

Santana and Brittany stepped through the wooden gate and walked into the back yard. I realized right away that I'd forgotten to lock it. Another stupid mistake. Anybody could have seen us. Details Quinn, details.

"What the hell Quinn?" Santana asked when she spotted Rachel sitting in the hot tub. "Again. You've done it again. You ditched us for Man hands again."

Rachel stood up, water dripping from her cute little blue swimsuit. Something in my body twitched when I looked at her. She was so sexy. That was okay to think right. Sexy. Girls can be sexy, totally not gay. Angelina Jolie is sexy. Saying that doesn't make me gay.

What the hell am I doing. I didn't have time for this.

"Leave Quinn alone Santana." Rachel yelled.

"Shut up." Santana yelled back.

"That's a cute swimsuit." Brittany said over Santana's shoulder.

Everything was happening too fast. I needed to figure out what my next move was.

"Quinn told me that I was pretty." Rachel said before suddenly covering her mouth with both hands. "Oops. Forget I said that. It's supposed to be our secret."

Santana glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. "Really. What else are you two keeping secret? You guys are getting drunk I see. Anything else? Are you guys having fun together?"

Rachel started to speak but I had to nip this in the bud. If she was drunk enough to make out with me she was drunk enough to answer Santana's questions. I couldn't let that happen, who knows what she'd say.

"What do you want to know Santana? We're having fun. I didn't call you because I knew you'd come over and start calling Rachel names and pick a fight with me." Lame but it was all I could come up with. It didn't hurt that it was true either.

I didn't get an opportunity to speak before Brittany began to peel off her clothes. She was in her underwear and climbing into the hot tub before Santana or I got a chance to protest. My plan of telling her to go home obviously thwarted, I climbed back inside myself. I sat as far away from Rachel as possible but she made a point of moving close to me and leaning against me. Her presence made my body relax. All the tension melted away. I wanted her close to me. Always. Suddenly the comfort I'd had all day with our closeness felt inappropriate. This wasn't okay. Being this close to Rachel wasn't okay. Hugging her, kissing her, getting her drunk so I could grope her wasn't normal. Spying on her in the locker room, rubbing her abs and masturbating to naked pictures I'd taken of her, none of it was normal. This wasn't okay. Oh my God, was I gay? Is what I'm doing gay?

'Fabray, I'm talking to you." Santana practically screamed at me.

I wasn't listening, I had no idea what she'd just said to me. I gave Rachel a slight shove away from me, climbed out of the hot tub and ran inside the house. I felt like my heart was going to pound of out my chest. It was like something had reached down my throat and grabbed me. It was true. I was into her. I was into her, really into her, in a sexy way. I wanted to have sex with her. Oh my God. It's true. I'm gay. Maybe.


	5. Chapter 5

~Saturday 1:22am~

I couldn't sleep. My mind was working over time and having Rachel lying next to me in my bed didn't help at all. Santana and Brittany had gotten drunk off wine coolers, damn hot tub, and I couldn't send them home in that condition. The only thing worse than letting them stay the night was letting them drive drunk. I was a lot of things these days but I wouldn't add irresponsible to the list.

She was snoring beside me. It wasn't even loud and obnoxious snoring, it was cute and sweet. How could she even be cute in her sleep? This was total bullshit. And she smelled good. How could she still smell that good? She'd spent half the night in the hot tub and she still smelled like freaking lilacs.

I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye and fought the urge to wake her up and make her go home. That would solve all my problems. Wake her up, make her go home, and never speak to her again. That's the smartest course of action. Full proof, problem solving, no nonsense plan.

She shifted on her side of the bed and her face looked right at me and my heart skipped a beat. I hated Santana. If she didn't show up none of this would have ever happened. She was a bad influence. Her and Brittany had rubbed their gay off onto me and now I was lusting for Rachel Berry. Not only was I lusting for her but I was lying next to her in bed.

The plan had never called for this. She was supposed to sleep in the guest room. She was supposed to stay in the guest room and when she went home this was all supposed to be over. We were never supposed to get this close. At least not outside of the hot tub.

She moaned in her sleep and without warning the itch returned. No. Not now. She's sleeping. She's sleeping and I'm thinking gay thoughts about her. It would be so easy. So easy to reach out and touch her. Stroke her cheek, kiss her lips. It would be so easy.

Rachel passed out in her dry bathing suit after refusing to put on pajama's. Being a silly pervert I refused to press the issue and make her change. Why not let Rachel sleep in the bed next to me wearing only a bikini? That sounds like a great idea Quinn. No, it shouldn't be a problem at all.

My heart began to pound and I knew what I had to do. I had to do something to scratch this itch. I knew it wasn't the kind of thing I could fight. Not without arming myself with some information. There had to be something on the internet that could help me fight this. Somebody had to have beaten this thing. I'm sure there were a million gay people in the world who've beaten this. I couldn't be alone in this fight. If I could find out how to build a pipe bomb on the internet I could figure out how to resist these urges. This should be a piece of cake.

I stuck my head under the blanket and gave Rachel a glance. It was too dark for me to see anything so I contemplated my next move. Touching her while she was passed out is just plain wrong. It was beyond pervert territory. So groping her was out. However looking wasn't groping. It wasn't invasive. If I could peek without actually touching her that wasn't technically wrong. Technically, it was no worse than peeking at her in the locker room. Still, if she were somehow awake that would make it easier.

I gave her a slight shove after pulling my head out from under the blanket. She didn't stir. I gave her another shove and called her name. She moaned but still didn't wake up.

It was a stupid idea anyway. She was much too sober to grope anyway. She'd never be into it. She'd probably scream bloody murder if she caught me feeling her up in her sleep. This is all Santana's fault. If she had let me finish my kiss I'd be well beyond all this tonight. I'd be sleeping peacefully with enough happy memories to satisfy myself. Instead I was lying in bed at 1:30 in the morning trying to figure out how to get my rocks off without waking Rachel up. This wasn't going to work. I needed another plan.

~Saturday 7:08am~

I woke up on the sofa to the sound of the TV. Kitten Rescue on Animal Planet was playing in the background and I shoved a pillow over my head. I'd retreated to the sofa after unsuccessfully trying to come up with a way to ease my itch. Sleeping next to a half naked Rachel wasn't a good idea. I wasn't strong enough for that yet. As a compromise I decided to just save myself the grief and leave her alone in bed. My body fought against it all night but I'd beaten it. My will power was slowly returning.

"Did I wake you up?" Brittany asked.

I should have known it was her. Brittany loved cats, she had two, Lord Tubbington and Charity. I couldn't imagine who else would be up at seven o'clock on a Saturday morning watching Kitten rescue besides my future cat lady friend Brittany.

"Yes." Was all I could say. No need in lying to her.

"Sorry. Santana kicks in her sleep when she's drunk. She makes it too hard for me to sleep."

Now that's a strange thing to notice isn't it? How many times did they sleep in the same bed? How many nights did you have to sleep with someone to notice their habits when they're drunk? And to notice it only happened when she was drunk you had to be sure it wasn't happening when she _wasn't_ drunk. That would mean they slept together a whole lot. More than could be considered normal or occasional.

"How often do you guys sleep together?"

Brittany looked back at the TV and simply chose to ignore the question.

"Brittany?" I asked. Pressing the issue. I knew she wasn't like Santana, she wasn't going to choke me and slam my head against a locker. Still she looked at me with icy blue eyes and spoke up.

"What's Rachel doing here? I mean you told me you guys aren't friends but then we find you guys sitting here drinking in your hot tub. Not to mention the way she was all over you. What's going on with that Quinn? Is this something that's been going on for a while?"

Nice. Who says she wasn't smart? She seemed pretty damn crafty to me.

Clearly out smarted, I changed the subject. "You hungry?" I asked.

She looked back at the TV. "Santana's taking me to breakfast when she wakes up."

All I could do was nod.

"Britt is Santana asking questions about me?"

"Yes." Brittany said still not turning away from the TV. Her direct way of answering questions almost seemed odd. She played the ditzy blonde routine perfectly but I knew from experience she was more this way than the other way. Direct and to the point. A crafty genius lurking below the surface. She played dumb extremely well but very little got passed her.

"Is it going to be a problem?"

"Yes. She thinks there's something going on between you and Rachel."

Damn. "Something like what?"

Brittany looked at me with innocence only she could pull off. "Quinn she won't say anything to anybody. What's she gonna say, and who is she gonna say it to? She's not evil Quinn, she's mean, but she's not evil. She'd never intentionally hurt you. But you have to figure out whatever it is you're doing fast and stop lying to her. You should talk to her. She'll understand this. This especially. Just talk to her so she'll stop asking questions."

Yeah that will be the day. I'm not going to tell Santana ANYTHING. That was the absolute worst thing to do. She may be having sex with Brittany but she wouldn't understand. She wouldn't be accepting of this.

"I'll think about it." I lied.

Brittany saw right through it. "Santana tells me the same thing Quinn. I'm going to tell you what I tell her. You don't have to lie to ME. I'm the one person in your life you KNOW will understand."

~Saturday 10:36am~

I glanced at the clock the second Rachel came strolling down the stairs. She was still dressed in her bikini from last night but she'd cleaned her face. She looked good in the morning. Her hair was flowing freely over her shoulders and she was smiling.

"You know for a second I thought you'd be gone. Never mind that it's your house, I just thought I'd come down these stairs and your parents would be waiting to give me the third degree."

I laughed. After all this Rachel still didn't trust me, and I didn't blame her for a second. I hadn't earned her trust and no matter how nice I came off she still expected me to screw her over somehow.

"I'm here."

"What happened to Brittany and Santana?"

"They left hours ago."

Rachel walked down the stairs and sat down next to me on the sofa. "I'm surprised you invited them."

"I didn't. They just showed up."

"I hope I didn't embarrass you."

She was so cute. Of course she didn't embarrass me. "No. You were fine. You were fun."

"Thank you for taking care of me last night. I'm not sure what you did but I don't even feel sick. I don't have a hang over or anything."

One of the perks of having two alcoholic parents is that you learned every hangover remedy in the book.

"I fixed you up really good. I'm not telling you how though. It'll only be more encouragement for you to get drunk everyday."

She smiled and leaned back on the sofa. "I had fun last night." Her eyes fixed on me and I felt like she were reading my mind. That would be awkward.

"What?" I finally asked.

"Why did you leave the bed? Did my snoring bother you?"

This I didn't need to answer. Rachel would surely be creeped out if I told her that I'd slept on the sofa to keep myself from fondling her in her sleep. Not a great way to start a friendship.

"I kick in my sleep."

She smiled. "I didn't feel you kicking."

"I'm a rough sleeper. I'd have kept you up all night."

She turned her body towards me on the sofa, carefully looking me in the eyes. "Are you sure that's the only reason? You're sure there's nothing else that made you run away from me?"

I stared at her and tried to understand what she was getting at. Did she remember something about last night? When my parents drank they never remembered anything. The whole night would be a blur. Half the time when they'd ask me questions about what had gone on and I'd lie. They never caught me, never.

"No, and I didn't run from you." I said doing my best to sound confident.

"Quinn should we talk about last night or are we going to just pretend it never happened?"

My heart dropped. "Talk about what?"

She simply began to shake her head. "Last night. What happened between us."

"Nothing happened between us." I blurted out quickly and forcefully. It was a gross overreaction.

Rachel didn't lay off. "So the fact that I threw myself at you seemed to have skipped your mind. I know it probably made you uncomfortable but we have to talk about it. I don't want this coming between us. We're getting to be good friends. I just don't want my unrequited feelings to become this brick wall between us."

What? They're requited! They're requited!

"Rachel I don't know what you're talking about." I was ashamed of myself for being a coward.

Rachel stared at me and with a wave of her hand that felt like a dagger to my heart she gave up. "Fine. Play it your way."

No, you coward say something I pressed myself. But I didn't know what to say. She was taking full blame for my deviant behavior. Did she only remember things through drunk fuzzy glasses? Did she remember being the aggressor last night? That is so awesome.

"Rachel I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't mean anything by it. But you have to understand I'm not that way. I'm not gay."

Rachel laughed. It felt like icicles were being dropped down my spine. "Nobody said you were gay Quinn. I just want us to be clear about what's going on."

"Nothings going on." I blurted out.

"Do you really believe that?"

"Of course I believe that." I said firmly.

~Saturday 8:47am~

"Believe what?"

The voice was distinctly Santana. Only _she _sounded that way, confident and cocky even when she was trying to sound concerned.

"What?" I asked. What was she doing back? Didn't they leave? "I thought you guys left."

Brittany coughed in the background. "You fell back asleep. We didn't go anywhere yet."

I'd fallen asleep?

Santana looked at me, the remnants of a smile on her lips. "Berry was looking for you."

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah, she's in the shower. If you're quick you can go catch her."

"Santana stop." Brittany urged.

Santana rolled her eyes. "Fine. I'm sorry Quinn."

My heart was pounding. Did I really fall asleep? Was my conversation with Rachel just a dream? Even though I'd chickened out when 'Dream Rachel' told me about her unrequited feelings it made me feel good to know that she felt that way. But it was only a dream. There were no feelings. She was dating that idiot Finn Hudson. He even had a stupid name. Finn Hudson. His parents may as well just named him Fred Flintstone or Ally Oop. Moron.

"Sorry for what?" I asked playing dumb.

Santana shook her head with what I could only guess was frustration. Finally she smiled and shrugged. "Tell you what Quinn. You keep your questions to yourself and I'll keep mine to myself. We'll call it a détente."

"My grandma was a détente." Brittany said as she sat in front of the TV.

"That's not the same thing sweetie. Your grandma was a debutante." Santana said. I could hear the difference in the way she spoke to me and the way she speaks to Brittany. There was obviously something behind her words but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Brittany nodded. "You're right. She was a debutante. Just like the movie we watched."

I was curious as to what Brittany was talking about but I didn't get off topic. I had to finish this. "What exactly is it you're saying Santana? You're agreeing to leave me alone?"

"As long as you leave me alone I'll leave you alone. I won't ask any questions as long as you don't. I mean I really want to know what the hell you're doing spending all this time with Berry but I'm willing to concede to the fact that it's none of my business as long as you accept the same about me and Brittany."

It was as good as a deal as I could expect so I simply cut my losses. "Fine. It's a deal."

Satisfied with herself Santana walked over to Brittany and ran a finger through the girls long blonde hair. Brittany seemed to retreat into Santana's hand and for the first time I understood what the bond between them actually was. It was love. They were in love.

"Good. Britt and I are gonna go. I promised her I'd take her to breakfast."

"Pancakes?" Brittany asked.

I watched Santana's normally hard face soften. "Pancakes." She said fighting off her own smile.

The itch in my brain cried out. I wanted that. I wanted to wake up in the morning excited to eat pancakes with somebody. My mind drifted to Rachel showering upstairs. Just one peek wouldn't hurt would it? I could 'accidentally' walk in on her and get a quick peek right? That wouldn't be that suspicious would it?

"Okay, we're out of here Fabray. We'll see you later. Say goodbye to Rachel for us."

I thought it may have been some kind of a dig but I didn't press it. If she was trying to dial down her questions then I had to play along. Why poke a mean dog with a sharp stick? I watched them gather themselves and walked them out of the house. After locking up and sitting back down on the sofa I heard the soft thuds of somebody walking down the stairs.

"Quinn?" Rachel called out.

"I'm here Rachel. I'm watching TV."

Rachel stepped into the room wearing a plaid skirt and a McKinley High school Glee club tee-shirt. I wasn't sure where she'd gotten the shirt but I felt left out for not having one.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked her.

"The shirt? I made it. I figured in my older years I'd like to have a memento of the days I spent in the Glee club. I was going to put all of our names on the back but Santana threatened me with physical violence if I added her so I decided against it."

I laughed. That sounded like Santana.

"How did you sleep?"

She grabbed her head. "I have a major headache."

"Are you hungry? I'll make us some pancakes?"

"I love pancakes!" She replied eagerly. "But I doubt you have the proper materials to make them vegan friendly. We should go to the store. I'll buy you a cup of coffee on the way."

I sighed. Maybe I'll get my morning pancakes after all.

**A/N: In case of any confusion the Saturday 10:36am time period is a dream, after being woken up by Brittany, Quinn falls back asleep and dreams the Rachel conversation.**


	6. Chapter 6

~Sunday 5:17pm Lima Public Library~

I hated the fact that I had to go all the way to the public library to search the internet in peace but my parents and their stupid tracking software made it necessary. The last thing I needed to do was get caught looking up something like this on my laptop. It would be almost impossible to explain.

As it turned out it was all for nothing anyway. Any solution to my problem that the internet provided was simply nonsense and propaganda. All the 'cures' for my gayness provided by the so called experts would require me to either go someplace for intense therapy, or to involve my parents. Not only that but by the looks of it I was sure to end up the poster girl of some church website. That would defeat the whole purpose of what I was trying to do.

I sifted through another article that spoke about repressing the urges. Repressing. As if I hadn't tried that myself. What a bunch of baloney. I needed a fix not a patch. Patches didn't work. My dad had tried the smoking patch. It worked for like a week before he was back to smoking two packs a day.

My cell phone buzzed on the table in front of me. Rachel. She'd gone home early Saturday night because that jerk of a boyfriend of hers Finn Hudson kept calling. The guy must have called two dozen times on Saturday asking to see her. Finally she'd relented after realizing she wouldn't get another night of peace.

I checked the message and fought back a smile when a picture of frown face popped up along with the word sorry.

Damn did I hate Finn. Was one goodbye weekend too much to ask for? Why couldn't he just mind his own business? He had her everyday, all I wanted was a weekend. Was that too much to ask for? I had our Saturday night all planned out. I was going to get her to do a little more making out. Maybe take a peek at her in the shower. I'd even worked out a brilliant way to make it look accidental. It would have been the perfect going away present and now it was all over. Finn Hudson and his man boobs ruined it all. He was such a needy punk. I hated him. Cheating on him so he dumped me was almost the right thing to do. It would have been perfect had I not gotten pregnant. I hope I made him cry, he deserved it.

I decided to text Rachel back. _It's okay. _I sent to her. I wasn't mad at Rachel for leaving. It wasn't her fault she was seduced by an ogre. She was hypnotized by his popularity and singing voice. She was just as much a victim of that meathead as I was.

_Rain check? _She texted back to me. She didn't seem to have a problem hanging out with me again. She hadn't mentioned our kiss which led me to believe that she didn't remember it. She hadn't treated me any different Saturday than she had on Friday at school. The closeness we'd shared in my hot tub seemed like a dream.

My hands started to shake at the prospect of being near her again. I wanted to stop this. I had to stop this. Still I wanted nothing more than to see her again. Just once. I wanted one more day. Just one more day and that bastard took it away from me. I was going to get even with him if it was the last thing I did.

_Sure. We can do that. You say when._

_Busy now? _She sent back.

My heart began to pound. She wanted to see me now. Right now.

_No._

_Come over we can hang out._

This was a terrible idea. I knew it in every pore of my body. But if I was going to get over this I needed to learn how to be around her without going to pieces. This was my test. My last test before I could move forward. It would be totally fine if I went over for a little while. Just a bit to see what she wanted. No harm done. None at all.

~Ten minutes later Rachel's~

Rachel answered the door in a pair of green yoga pants and a tank top and the second I laid eyes on her the pressure between my legs began to build. Damn it, I wasn't even inside the house yet and I was already turned on. This was going to be tougher than it looked. I needed to fight it. Fight it so I could prove to myself once and for all that I wouldn't be beaten.

She opened the door for me and began to walk away and as she did my eyes were glued to her ass. Does she suspect? Does she know that I'm checking her out? Santana and Brittany knew, even though they pretended they didn't. They'd seen it on my face.

Oh my God, people were going to find out. Everybody was going to know and they would laugh at me. Kids would lose respect for me and I'll get slushies tossed in my face everyday. My life was over. Ms. Pillsbury would find out and she'd tell my parents and they'd throw me out of the house again.

I bet Mercedes wouldn't let me live with her again either. Not after I totally blew her off last time. She'd been such a good friend and I went back to life before the Glee club after I had the baby. I worked my ass off to get my status back and once I did I left her behind. I barely acknowledged her existence outside of Glee club these days. She probably hates me. They're all going to hate me if they don't already.

"Quinn, are you okay? You're just standing in the doorway." Rachel asked.

I stepped inside and pushed the door closed careful not to look her in the eyes, lest she know the truth. Rachel must have amazing Gaydar, she was raised by two gay men. She had to know all the secret handshakes and stuff.

"I'm fine. I just can't stay long." I said doing my best to sound cold and distant.

"Why do you keep lying to me? You keep telling me lie after lie and I have no idea why you do these things. One minute you're my best friend and the next day you're mad at me. I'm sorry about leaving, I told you Finn was being needy. He's acting as weird as you are."

"Will you stop talking about Finn! God, every time we're together he's all you talk about." I said practically biting her head off. "Why don't you just call him over and hang out with him if you love him so much."

I head straight towards the door to storm out but as my hands wrapped around the doorknob Rachel's arms wrapped around me and pulled me back towards the house.

"Stop. Stop being mad at me. I don't understand Quinn. You have to tell me."

"Let go of me." I demanded. There was nothing I wanted more than for her to keep holding me. Having her arms wrapped around me felt like being in heaven. Unfortunately this visit wasn't about getting close to Rachel. It was about creating some distance.

"No. Not until you tell me why you hate me so much."

My heart broke. She thought I hated her. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't contain it. I spun around in her arms breaking her grip. Her eyes were damp. She was upset and it was all my fault. I did this to her. I was hurting her.

"I don't hate you Rachel. I like you, that's why you need to let me leave. I've done terrible things to you." I admitted. I didn't have the heart to tell her the truth. If I told her the truth she'd throw me out and never speak to me again. She'd probably even tell her parents.

"I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay with me." She pleaded.

"I want to stay here but if you knew the truth you'd run. You'd run far away. I'm broken Rachel. I'm not a good person. There's something wrong with me and if you knew what you'd ask me to leave."

She grabbed my hands in hers and pulled them into her stomach. "What's going on? Tell me. Tell me and I promise I'll understand."

It was an impossible promise for her to keep. If I told her the terrible things I'd done she wouldn't understand. She'd be freaked out and she'd want me gone. Selfishly I decided she could never know. She couldn't know the truth. I wanted her in my life, even if I wasn't going to be gay anymore after I found my fix.

"It's not important. I'm broken but I'm going to fix myself and we can be friends then."

She shook her head. "Stop saying that. You're not broken. Whatever's wrong with you I'll understand, now tell me what's going on."

Before I had a chance to disagree I heard Barbara Streisand singing in the background and Rachel grumbled loudly.

"Darnit Finn, what now?" She asked.

"You better talk to him or he'll keep calling." I urged her.

She glared at me as the song continued. "Don't go anywhere."

I nodded. "I won't."

She took a few steps away from me. "Stay. I want to finish this conversation."

"I'll stay." I told her.

She pulled away from me and something inside me felt like it died. The simple act of her leaving had such a profound effect on me that I knew right away this wasn't over. It would never be over. This wasn't going to go away was it? I wasn't going to be able to fix this. This was real. This was a real thing. I was gay. Gay-Gay and not just Santana and Brittany Gay. Rachel turned me on. Everything about her drew me in like a drug. I couldn't turn it off. I'd never be able to turn it off. I couldn't be fixed. I was stuck this way.

Rachel disappeared into another room and I snuck out the front door and hopped into my car. Before she had a chance to stop me I cranked up my car and drove off not sure what my next move should be. I knew one thing for sure, I had to leave her house. I had to get away from Rachel. She didn't deserve this. She deserved better than a friend like me.

~Monday 12:11pm Counselor's office~

"So what can I do for you Quinn? You seemed pretty insistent that you see me today. Are we going to talk?"

Ms. Pillsbury was the type of person I usually kept my distance from. She was creepy with all her neatness and cleaning. Constantly trying to help. Being nosy and asking questions. This was usually the sort of thing that kept me away from somebody like her. Especially now. But I didn't have the luxury of running off. I needed to keep to the plan. I had to get help. Somebody knew how to fix me. Ms Pillsbury was a professional, she had to know something. She went to college to learn how to fix people.

"I need help fixing myself."

I watched her face do the same thing Rachel's did when I said that yesterday. Confusion. What was so hard about wanting to fix the things that were wrong with you? Why did they think it was so strange? It was common sense. If you were sick you'd want a doctor. This was the exact same thing. I was just broken. Somebody knew how to fix me but in their absence I'd have to speak to Ms. Pillsbury.

"What exactly do you mean by that? You need help fixing yourself in what way?"

"I'm having impure thoughts about somebody." It was as vague as I'd allow myself to admit out loud.

"Well that's normal. After what you've been through it's normal to feel a bit embarrassed about having sexual feelings for a boy."

I wanted to punch her. "Just tell me how to fix it." I snapped at her.

"Quinn you can't fix it. You'll be attracted to men your whole life. Wanting to have sex is normal."

Like she'd know the big old virgin queen.

"That's the thing." I looked around the room as if she were hiding some studio audience. "This is all confidential right?"

She nodded. "Of course."

"I mean you can't tell anybody right?"

"No. Not unless you're committing a crime or are in danger."

Okay, I definitely needed to edit. I was pretty sure I'd committed a litany of sex crimes against Rachel these past few weeks. Not to mention stealing Puck's Porn. "Well the thing of it is, it's not a boy. I'm not attracted to boys. I'm not sure I've ever been. I mean I know I got pregnant by Puck but that was because of alcohol. That and curiosity. He was cute and popular and all the girls wanted him. I was just curious why I didn't want him too. I figured if we hung out and made out a bit maybe it would kick in or something."

She looked confused. That wasn't encouraging. "So you're gay?"

"NO. NO. I'm not gay. I'm just having impure thoughts about a girl. That doesn't make me gay."

"Are you sure?" She asked.

If I wasn't so shocked I'd have been offended. She wasn't going to be any help. I could see that right away. Smug weirdo. Sitting across from me acting like she knew everything. This was the last thing I should be doing. Sitting here talking with her wasn't going to fix anything. I was broken and I couldn't be fixed. This was a total waste of my time.

Instead of answering her I stood up and walked out of her office. I heard her calling me over my shoulder and ignored her as I made my way down the hallway. This was a complete waste of time. Ms. Pillsbury didn't know anything about relationships. She was married to a great guy and she didn't even put out. She was holding some torch for Mr. Schue of all people. That didn't make any sense whatsoever. She left a handsome rich dentist to hang out with a mildly attractive poor teacher. Yeah this woman had her own problems.

~Monday 1:02pm Choir room~

The first thing Rachel did when she arrived for Glee Club was grab me by the arm and drag me into a corner. I could see the anger in her face. The rage in her eyes. She was pissed at me for running off last night. I didn't blame her. I promised her I'd stick around and talk to her and the second she was out of the room I booked out of there.

"What happened yesterday?" She asked me. I could tell she wasn't in the mood for my fooling around and being evasive.

"I had to leave."

"No you WANTED to leave. You left me and you let me worry about you all night. I tried calling you and you didn't answer me."

"Sorry." I said.

She waved a finger in my face. "Sorry doesn't cut it. Don't ever run out on me again."

The itch in my brain went crazy. Her standing here yelling at me waving her finger in my face was doing something to me. She was so cute this way. Strong and demanding and authoritative. My insides felt like they were burning. She was so hot. I wanted her so much. There was simply no denying it.

"Rachel I'm." I started to say.

"I'm not done talking." She cut me off, shutting me up quickly and firmly. All I could do was nod. "Now tonight you're going to come over and we're going to work this out."

I wasn't sure if it was okay for me to speak or not. "Rachel there's nothing to talk about."

She pulled away from me and waved her finger in my face. "Whatever. After you're done with practice your coming right over. I don't want to hear any excuses."

I was so turned on by her take charge attitude and Napoleonic temperament that I nodded my head in submissive agreement. How could I not go when she was being so cute. She deserved an explanation. Even if it was something I had to make up. She wanted to help me and I'd be selfish not to let her.

Of course I couldn't tell her the truth but maybe that wasn't as important as giving her something to help me with. I had to do this for her. It totally wasn't for me. I'd suffer through if I had to. It was totally selfless. Totally.


	7. Chapter 7

~Monday 3:35pm Cheerio's practice~

I evened out my stride beside Santana who despite having already run 15 of her 20 laps, hadn't broken stride or even broken a sweat. Coach Sylvester had been called in to the school to meet with principal Figgins and had left us alone to wallow in the self pity she claimed we deserved. Coach Sylvester was a terrible person. She was the only person I knew who was worse than Santana. I'd always thought Santana was the epitome of evil. She reminded me of the woman from the Terminator movies. A complete maniac all determination and running on hate and fire. I felt this way until I met Sue Sylvester, she made Santana look like a girl scout in comparison.

She glanced at me as we ran around the track. The edge of my hair was damp with sticky sweat. She looked no different than she always looked. Perfect. "You riding with us after practice?"

"Rachel's coming for me." I said between heavy breaths. It was an effort keeping up with her but I pushed myself and matched her stride as best as I could. I couldn't be seen as following her lead. Sue would have a coronary if she finished more than a minute or two before me. Normally for a captain to come in second to anyone would be an immediate removal from status but even Sue realized Santana Lopez was a freak of nature. No matter what she threw at the girl she never blinked. Finally Sue had simply instructed me to never fall too far behind.

"You're hanging out with Berry today? Nice." She said with a light chuckle. "Did you hit that yet?"

Was she serious? Did I hit that? She sounded like a crude boy. She sounded like Puck. I wasn't going to dignify her comment with a response. How dare her speak that way about Rachel. Objectifying her like she was some kind of a sex doll.

"I remember us having some kind of deal. Don't ask don't tell."

"I thought better about that. I mean how rare is it that two girls like us have this in common. I thought I was all alone but I'm not. We have each other. We can watch each other's backs now, cover for one another. I won't tell anybody you're banging Berry. I think it's pretty damn cool of you. I love seeing that idiot boyfriend of her's suffer. You should see him. He's totally freaked out over you spending time with her. Believe it or not he's not that stupid. He's knows you're up to something he's just not sure what. He probably thinks you're trying to get her to dump him, little does he know you're trying to bang her."

Good, that jackass deserved to suffer.

"I'm not having sex with Rachel." I said. It was getting harder for me to breathe but I kept pushing. Show no weakness.

"Oh come on. You should be all over that. I even pretended to be drunk so you could get her in bed. She was totally wasted the other night. She was all over you, she was primed, all you had to do was close the deal. What happened you get cold feet?"

This conversation was creeping me out. Santana was the devil. Definitely a bad influence. I was trying to find a way to fix myself and she was trying to get me laid.

"I didn't get cold feet I'm not gay." I protested.

She chuckled again. "Of course not. Neither am I. What Brittany and I do is experimenting. You should experiment with Rachel. It won't make you gay."

I thought about it for a moment. Was she having fun at my expense? No, she couldn't be. There was totally nothing wrong with experimenting. Being curious was natural. It was scientific even. Life depended on scientific curiosity.

"I don't want to talk about this. I want your help finding a boyfriend."

She glanced at me with raised eyebrows. "Why, do you need your oil changed or something. Ask Kurt to do it. His dad owns a garage. Don't let the gay fool you, he's awesome. You don't have to pimp yourself out to some guy." I could see that she was one hundred percent serious. She had no idea why I would want to find a guy. Was it that obvious that I was gay?

"I don't need my oil changed. I need a boyfriend. I unlike you am trying to be discreet."

"So glaring at Finn this morning during Glee club was your idea of laying low. Or having Rachel half naked and drunk in your hot tub. Look don't think I'm knocking it Quinn. When I found out how you really roll I was impressed. I was almost upset I wasn't as smooth as you were. Tell you what. Give up this boyfriend nonsense and just lay low. Don't do anything to draw attention to yourself. I'll get Finn off your case and next weekend you and Berry come to my house on Saturday."

That sounded okay. It would be fine if we hung out a little more. "Why?" I couldn't look too eager to hang out with her. If I was going to keep her at bay I'd need to play it cool.

"What do you mean why? So we can party. So we can party, and you can get Berry's pants off."

God was she so crude. Crude and evil. But correct. I wanted to get Rachel's pants off. Just once. Just once and I'd fix this.

"Fine. I'll come. But Finn won't let Rachel spend time with me."

"Finn, screw Finn. I got you covered. I'll bring Rachel."

It seemed too easy. Santana wasn't nice. This had to be some sort of trick. "Why are you doing this?"

She finally let out a breath heavy enough to show me that the run was affecting her. "I need a favor. I need your help with Britt. She's mad at me for giving you and Rachel a hard time. She's not speaking to me."

I looked over my shoulder and saw Brittany a half a lap behind us. Her blonde hair a sweaty mess, her face damp with perspiration and dirt she'd picked up from someplace. Funny I'd been so wrapped up in myself that I hadn't noticed they weren't speaking. They looked fine when I saw them earlier in Biology. They walked down the hall with intertwined pinkies like always. I was too self absorbed to see they were just putting up a united front.

"I thought we worked it out. Why is she still mad at you?" The conversation was killing my stride and I started to slow down.

Santana began to slow with me to match my pace. "That's the thing. I sort of didn't tell you the truth. I said I'd mind my own business but I didn't. I've kind of been following you."

What? Following me? When? How had I not seen her?

"When?"

"Sunday. I saw you at Berry's. After I saw you at the library reading up on curing your gayness."

My already pounding heart sank in my chest. How dare her spy on me. "Santana."

"Don't. I'm sorry. Just tell Brittany I confessed and you forgive me so I'm out of the dog house. You do that and I'll get Berry away from Finn for you this weekend."

I was appalled by her following me around and spying but I couldn't fight with her on this. She had me cold. I had to pick my battles and if she was promising me that Rachel would be the spoils of war then I had to be honest with myself. It was totally worth swallowing my pride.

"Consider it done," was all I said. She looked over at me with a grin and regained her pace leaving me once again trailing behind.

~Monday 5:09pm Rachel's house~

Rachel had given me her undivided attention by pulling up a kitchen chair and placing it directly in front of me on the sofa. She'd listened silently while I fumbled through my lame explanation of why I was behaving so erratically. Once I finally stopped talking she narrowed her eyes into slits and simply stared at me.

"ADHD." She said without the slightest hint of emotion. "That's your big secret? That's why you keep telling me you're broken?"

I shrugged. I couldn't say too much, I'd ruin it if I did. I'd read a half dozen internet articles on the subject throughout the day and had boned up on the condition the best I could. Still if she asked anything specific I was done for.

"I AM broken Rachel. I'm a pill popping loser. You don't want to be friends with me."

She reached out to me and ran her fingers through my blonde hair. I couldn't explain what happened, it was like the world came to life around me. Everything that was once dull was suddenly colorful. It was like putting on 3D glasses. For the first time in my life I felt connected to the world around me. It was so strong and so sudden that I forgot to breathe.

"You are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you Quinn. You are the most perfect girl I know. You're beautiful and special and everything good about the world. Even when you're being mean to me I can still find things I like about you."

I was still holding my breath. Her hand was like a flame held to my body, a raging inferno sending waves of life through my skin. I'd never felt this before. It traveled through my body like a electric current bringing everything in my body to life. My nipples hardened and my insides dampened. One touch. One touch to send me into hysterics.

I met her hand with my own and pulled it slowly away. "Rachel I'm not good for you."

"Because of your condition?" She asked.

I nodded my silent agreement. "Really. I'm seriously screwed up."

She shook her hand loose from mine and rested them both on my shoulders. She stood up from her chair and leaned into me, close enough so that her breath brushed lightly against my neck. The feeling sent me into a tailspin. "Quinn one of these days I'm going to get you to trust me. And when that day comes, life will be so beautiful."

I didn't understand what she meant but when she took both her hands and ran them through my hair, my body flinched. She didn't back off, instead she ran her fingers across my scalp. Her breath was still blowing against me but it moved slowly from my neck to my chin.

"Are you ever going to tell me the truth? Are you going to open your heart up to me? I want to know you Quinn. Don't you want me to know you?"

I nodded along like an idiot. A worthless puppy. I wanted her. I wanted her so badly I was losing all sense of self preservation. She wanted to know things and my lust filled, sex starved brain was going to make me tell her.

"Of course I want you to know me Rachel. I want so much."

"Then tell me." She practically whispered to me. I started to move away from her. Having her this close to me wasn't a good idea. The last time she asked me to tell her the truth I lied to her. I'd lied to her in a dream. If I didn't have the strength to be honest with her in my fantasy then how was I supposed to do it in real life?

"Rachel I…" I started to explain. The fuel burning through me was intoxicating. Taking over my body and ravaging my system. I wanted so badly to lean into her and press my lips against hers, run my hands over her body. I wanted her to be mine so badly.

"Stop making excuses. Tell me what's going on. It's okay, just open your mouth."

I couldn't contain myself anymore. It was unbelievably hot in the room and Rachel was out of her chair two inches in front of my face. She was so close her pretty brown eyes were inches away from me. Staring deep into my soul. She was reading me like a book, I was wide open for her to see.

As her lips parted to speak I leaned the few inches further into her and pressed my lips against hers. Our lips held together for what felt like an eternity. She didn't pull away from me, her body didn't flinch, she didn't budge while I pressed myself against her.

Her lips tasted like strawberry's and my stomach erupted in a swarm of butterflies. I brought my hand to her ribcage and began to rub it slowly. I ran my tongue along her full lips and as if on command she parted her lips for me and met my tongue with her own.

I couldn't believe what was going on. She was letting me kiss her. This was unbelievable. A dream come true. I spent a few seconds basking in her lips, her scent, her embrace. It was heaven. My paradise.

Then it all came crashing down. Barbara Streisand began to sing in the background and she broke our embrace with a speed so sudden that I felt like she'd ripped the heart right out of my chest. I couldn't take it. It hurt.

"Sorry. It's Finn. Again."

Finn? Finn? I knew it. I hated him. He was the worlds worst person. What else was he going to cost me?

"I'm leaving." I said coldly.

She didn't try to stop me. Instead she stared at me, a long silent gaze that said so much but yet nothing at all. Finally she broke the silence.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school."

"Yeah, whatever." I said coldly. Of course she'd jump at the chance to go back to Finn. Why wouldn't she?

"Quinn," she said with a gentleness I wasn't expecting. It broke through my anger, chiseling away at my frustration and hurt like a giant ice pick.

"What?" I answered, a small edge in my voice but not nearly as harsh as I was positive she was expecting from me.

"We'll talk about this. But not tonight. This is too much, there are too many complications. Neither of us are thinking clearly."

I nodded doing my best to contain my anger. "It was a mistake. Just one of those things. Don't worry about it."

She rolled her eyes at me. It was pretty clear she was angry at me but she didn't say anything. Instead she glared at me, watched me closely for any sign that I was thinking twice about my interpretation of our kiss. I didn't give her any.

"Fine. We'll do this your way. When are you coming back?"

I wanted to scream out never at the top of my lungs. I wanted this over, done. I'd had my fun. So what she'd rejected me for Finn. What did I care? I wasn't going to stay this way permanently anyway. It wasn't forever. I never intended it to be forever. Still I couldn't fight it, the pull of her was too strong and the sting of rejection clouded my thoughts. I wanted validation, validation of my feelings.

"This weekend. Santana invited me over to hang out. You should come with me. We can talk then."

She nodded. "Finn…" She started to say.

It was my turn to cut her off now. "I'll take care of Finn. Just tell me you're coming. Tell me you'll make time for me."

"One condition." She said without hesitation. "One condition and I'll be there for as long as you need me. "When we get there you tell me what all this is about. You sit across from me, look me in the eyes and tell me the truth. And not this nonsense about ADHD. The real truth. Everything start to finish. The anger, the kiss, all of it."

"Rachel." I started to plead.

"Rachel nothing. All of it, every last bit or I'll never speak to you again."

It was such a simple solution. All I had to do was refuse and she'd fix my problem for me. If she wasn't speaking to me then my gay wouldn't have an outlet. If I wasn't strong enough to stop myself maybe she was strong enough to stop us both.

"I don't take orders from you." I said with a defiance usually reserved for Santana.

Her phone continued to ring in the background and I could see her debating answering it. Her frustration must have won out because she walked back over to me and for the second time today unleashed the angry monster she kept caged.

"You better tell me the truth. Stop being a jerk. You're acting like a complete idiot. Now be there this coming weekend or I'm coming to your house."

So much for that plan. "Fine." I said doing my best to sound angry. I was super turned on by her feistiness. She was like a little attack dog tugging at my pants leg. It was so sexy. She was so sexy. I had to meet her this weekend. I couldn't tell her the truth, that would never do, but I would think of something.


	8. Chapter 8

~Wednesday 11:37pm~

I couldn't reconcile the pleasure I felt while doing it with the shame and confusion I felt afterwards. I didn't understand how something that felt so natural and made me feel so free also made me hate myself. I'd spent every free moment after Cheerio's practice trying my hardest to figure out what exactly it meant to have these feelings.

I'd done what I figured was the hard part. I'd thrown away the video and the photos. Why was breaking this habit so hard? There had to be some way I could get past it. This couldn't be my life. I was strong. I wasn't this girl who touched herself in the middle of the night while thinking about another girl.

Santana's plan to hang out lingered over my head for days. I wanted to spend time with Rachel, hold her in my arms. I wanted to feel her lips pressed against mine. Just once more. One more time and I could quit. I needed to get it out of my system. I needed to get her out of my system. Rachel made me weak. She was like a magnet. I couldn't pull away, couldn't run in the opposite direction no matter how hard I tried.

I didn't understand why this was happening to me. I didn't know what it was that was making me feel this way. Nature? How could it be? I'd been a good Christian girl. How could God abandon me at a time like this? How could he place her in my path but not give me the strength I needed to fight her off. Why was he punishing me? Did he want me to fail?

I lifted my cell phone off the night stand and looked at her message one last time. **Quinn. Don't be afraid to open up to me. Thinking of you. Rachel.**

How could she do this to me? How could these thirteen words send my heart aflutter? How could she send me a text, a few lines before bedtime, and have them send me into a tailspin. I'd been fighting the urge for days now. It had been almost a week since I'd thought about her in that way. I let my mind wander in school, during my Cheerio's laps, on the drive home. But here in my room, in the middle of the night, I fought it. I knew it would only lead to the urge to close my eyes and picture her beside me. That longing for her wasn't healthy. It wasn't normal. It overtook me and caused my itch to burn so badly I had to resort to self gratification to subdue it for the night. Rachel's text message had unleashed a wild animal inside me that couldn't be contained by simple will power.

I went over my ideas one more time trying to perfect the circumstances that would allow Rachel to be mine. Just once. One night and I could fuel my memories to fight the itch for a lifetime. It would only be this one time. Just once.

I typed a response to Rachel's text. It was two and a half hours late but it was something. Something that would soften her up for our time together.

**I want to talk to you but I'm afraid. I can't envision any scenario where this ends good for ****me.**

I hit send and closed my eyes. The burning in my brain had died down and I was going to have to get some sleep. I couldn't stay up all night exhausting myself every night. This had to end. I didn't care how I felt about her, I had to put this whole thing with Rachel to bed. I lay still for what felt like hours before my cell phone beeped with another text message. It was from Rachel, she was still awake.

**This isn't easy for me either. I don't know what to do. I'm confused and just as afraid. Why don't you talk to me? **

My heart panged in my chest. Did she feel it too? Was I not alone in this? Was Santana right? Did she know the truth? I couldn't answer her, not again. I didn't know what to say. I wanted her but somehow saying the words out loud made it all too real. I couldn't think about this. I climbed out of bed booted my laptop and started a CD in the disc drive. I shoved on my wireless headphones and let the slow sounds of The Eagles Greatest Hits drown away my pain.

~Thursday 8:57am School~

Rachel hadn't tried to text me back last night but this morning at school she was waiting for me at my locker. Seeing her there after first period, her books clutched tightly to her chest, her face all business made my heart skip a beat. What did she want?

"I don't have time for this. I don't have time for you." I said trying to push her away.

She leaned into me and whispered. "Make time. After school. I can't wait until Saturday to speak to you. It's killing me."

I wanted to fight her off, keep her at bay. I wasn't strong enough. I was weak, her words were like the world's most beautiful music to me. I couldn't imagine having her call me to see her and me being strong enough to stay away. Still stubbornly I fought her.

"There's nothing to talk about Rachel."

She reached out to me and rested a hand on my hip. Her fingers caressed my belly lightly and despite the fact that we were standing in the middle of the hallway I couldn't bring myself to swat her hand away. Nobody could see anyway, her body blocked any line of sight.

"There's plenty to talk about."

"Fine. Come to my house tonight. We'll talk." I told her.

"Your parents?" She asked. She'd heard the many horror stories about my father and had no intention of meeting him. I didn't blame her. I wanted to forget him myself most days.

"We'll talk in your car."

"Rachel, there you are." I heard somebody call from down the hall. Finn freaking Hudson. God was he such a needy baby. Rachel sighed.

"How can you stand him?"

She simply shook her head. "What am I supposed to do? He's the most popular boy in school. I fought to get him for two years and now he's mine and suddenly I." She let the sentence trail off.

"You what?" I asked her. "Don't want him anymore."

She shrugged. "I'm confused."

"Hey Quinn, what you guys up to?" Finn asked as he stepped up.

I wanted to punch him. I wanted to kick him in the balls so they couldn't have sex. Were they having sex? I wanted to stomp on his hands so he wouldn't be able to touch her anymore. I was sure me and her couldn't be together. Not forever. But I didn't want her to be with him. I hated him.

I put on my best fake smile. "Rachel was just telling me how much she loved you," I said. If he only knew the truth about how much she loved him. Not very much apparently. I wanted to throw it in his big stupid face.

"So are you guys friends now,?" he asked.

Punk. "I feel the same way about Rachel today as I've always felt." I said not bothering to hide the indignation in my voice. Nosy bastard.

He didn't know how to take the comment and I used that as an opportunity to ignore him. "And you," I said turning my attention to her. "You stop bugging me with every little thing. I can't help you."

Her lips curled into a knowing smile before she collected herself. "I hate you too. Don't worry I don't think there's anything else to say." She turned from me so abruptly that I wondered if she were serious or not. She looked over at Finn and extended her arm to him. "Shall we?" She asked.

He took her arm in his own with a smile and they walked off down the hallway. I felt a twinge of jealousy as I watched them go. I wanted to hold her hand in the hallway. Instead that pudgy idiot Finn gets to do it. I had to wipe that dumb smile off his face.

I walked to Biology and found Santana and Brittany whispering back and forth. Brittany was smiling playfully at her secret playmate. They looked as close as ever. Santana was clearly out of the dog house after I'd spoken with Brittany, they were back to normal. As I stepped into the room the girl who shared our table, Nerdy No Name, was watching them out of the corner of her eye.

I swiped her books onto the floor as I walked past. "Know your place four eyes." I told her. The girl was making a cardinal McKinley High mistake. She was involving herself in Cheerio business. Even if the business involved a secret relationship between two Cheerio's it was still none of this girl's business.

Santana pulled away from Brittany's shoulder and glared at the girl suddenly aware that she had been being watched. "You know what they say about people with big eyes don't you nerd?"

"People like me stick pencil's in them." I said. I wasn't sure what Santana was going to say but my comment brought a smile to her face.

"What happened to all the number one pencil's?" Brittany asked completely out of the blue. "All of the pencils you see now are number two pencils. What happened to the number one pencils?"

Santana smiled, clearly amused by the pointless question, still she answered right away. "That's a good question. We should check on the internet."

It wasn't until this very moment that I realized what Brittany's idiotic comments were about. Distraction. Whenever things got too weird or tense she broke the ice with her phony idiot act. It was brilliant, a perfect distraction especially at a time like this.

"It's about the graphite." Nerdy No Name said as she gathered her books on the floor. "The darkness."

"I'm going to darken your eyes if you don't mind your own business." Santana told her. I couldn't help but smile. A glance at Brittany revealed even she'd found the comment funny.

"Is everything clear enough for you Four eyes?" I asked her.

"Crystal." She said.

"Good." I responded.

"No, my name is Crystal." She said as she stacked her books back onto the table.

This girl was ballsy. If she weren't so damn nosy I'd be impressed. "I don't remember asking what your name was, mostly because I know I don't care what it is. You just sit there and mind your own business and if you're lucky the three of us won't decide to make your life a living hell. You'll continue on in blissful oblivion."

Crystal nodded. "Fine."

Santana continued to glare at the girl before turning her attention to me. "So I'm gonna score us some liquor for this weekend. I'm gonna ask Puckerman to buy it for us so we'll have to scrape together a few bucks."

That wasn't a good idea. Puck was a meathead jock but he didn't strike me as being dumb. Especially when it came to partying. "I asked him last weekend. He'll figure it out if we ask him two weeks in a row. He already asked me where the party was the last time."

Santana rolled her eyes. "He isn't gonna figure it out. He's Puck. His brain doesn't work that well. Besides the boys have a basketball game on Saturday. Puck, Finn, Chang, they'll all be gone, road game. It won't even be an issue."

I must have made a face because Santana smirked. "Don't worry. It's in the bag Fabray. You're golden. Believe me I know."

I didn't take most of what Santana said seriously. She was a notorious exaggerator. Her comments couldn't be trusted to be accurate or truthful. Still I had the feeling she was being relatively honest with me about this. If she said it was in the bag then it had to be. She'd been extremely honest about this whole Rachel thing. She was on my side. Couldn't hurt to believe her, just this once.

"I'm fine, I'm not worried. I've got everything under control." I lied. It was the furthest thing from the truth.

~Wednesday 6:28pm Fabray Driveway~

I slammed the car door closed and did my best to seem nonchalant. Rachel was again wearing her yoga pants and I was suddenly happy we were both sitting down. Those damn yoga pants were just too sexy to ignore. She was doing this on purpose teasing me I bet.

"So," I asked. She'd pressed for this meeting so I was going to let her take the lead. "What's up?"

"Quinn do you have feelings for me?"

It was the absolute last question I expected her to ask me. Do I have feelings for her? Why would she ask me that just out of the blue? Didn't she have an ounce of shame or embarrassment? Why would she put herself on display? I thought she said she was confused. That didn't sound like the question of a confused girl.

"What do you mean?" I asked. It was a dumb question. It was self explanatory.

"Do you have feelings for me? You kissed me the other day, did it mean anything to you?" There was a slight hitch in her voice. The bigger question was did she have feelings for me? Was it possible I'd been driving myself crazy this whole time when she was into it.

"Do I have feelings for you? Is that what this little emergency meeting was about?" I asked. I could tell the tone of my voice was light hearted but she clearly didn't take it that way. She looked almost distressed.

"Quinn are you going to be serious? How do you feel about me?"

This wasn't a part of my plan. When I kissed Rachel it was something that just happened. Thinking about it only messed things up. I was going to get her alone, maybe give her a few drinks then I was going to kiss her. If she was receptive I was going to push the envelope as far as she'd let me. I don't know if I'd have let it go as far as sex but I was going to do my best to get pretty damn close. This weekend would be it. The feather in my cap. The finish line.

"I don't know how I feel. That's the whole point Rachel."

"You have to feel something. Tell me what you do know."

"Confusion. Anger."

She shook her head. "That's all, nothing else. You're making this harder than it has to be. Tell me the truth. How do you feel?"

"Rachel I thought we were talking about this on Saturday. Why are you in such a rush?" I asked her. Another stupid question. I was stalling. Stalling until I came up with a lie reasonable enough to explain everything. I was still drawing a blank.

"What's the difference between today and Saturday. If you have feelings for me what difference does it make what day of the week it is?"

"What are you in such a rush for? Why is it so important that we have this conversation now? What happened to us hanging out? It's complicated. You said that yourself. I'm not exactly sure what's going on, and not to mention you have Finn."

"This isn't about Finn. It's about me and you. And if you can't even tell me that you have feelings for me how do you expect me to feel about hanging out with you. Alone. At Santana's house. How is that supposed to work? Just exactly what is your plan this time Quinn? Get me drunk and make out with me. Again."

My stomach turned to stone. Again. She just said again. She remembered last weekend's make out session. If she remembered how come she hadn't said anything?

"Rachel." I started to say. If she gave me half a chance I could explain that away.

"Don't Rachel me. I know what happened that night. I was a little drunk not blotz out of my mind. I remember you tricking me into kissing you. You would only do that if you felt something for me. Then the other day you kissed me again. You had to feel me kiss you back. Talk to me. I know you feel something for me but you won't allow yourself to admit it. Tell me what it is you feel."

I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. How could she know what I'd done but still be around me? How could she face me knowing I'd tried to take advantage of her?

"Rachel I'm sorry about that. I was drinking myself."

She scoffed. "You were not drinking. I didn't see you drink one thing. You got me over to your house so you could get me drunk. You planned the whole thing, we both know it and I want you to admit it."

The shame of what I had done was too much. "I don't know what your talking about." It was all I could say to lessen the shame. How could I face her after what I'd done? I couldn't. "Rachel I have to go back inside."

"Quinn." She began to plead.

"I'm sorry. I have to go."

"Talk to me. Tell me and we can talk about it. We can get passed this. I swear. We can move forward but you just have to talk to me."

"I'll see you at school." I told her.

She nodded without looking at me. "Fine. Just keep running away. That's worked out great for you so far. Just don't expect me to keep playing this little game with you. There's a boy across town totally obsessed with me. The last thing I need is somebody in my life who treats me as badly as you do anyway."

The words cut me open like a razor blade. She was mad at me. Angry and hurt by my lying and refusal. And she didn't like the way I treated her. I was horrible to her, not only horrible, apparently not worth the hassle. I swallowed hard and bit back a stray tear that threatened to escape my eye.

"Who cares what you want anyway Man Hands!" I said before climbing out of the car and slamming the door.

I stormed into the house and into my room where I spent the next few hours in a state of frustration and heartbreak. She'd given me the perfect opening and I'd screwed it all up. She'd practically begged me to tell her the truth. Not only that but from what she'd said she'd have been okay with it. At least on some level. Knowing that, I'd still pushed her away. Lied and ran. What was wrong with me? How could she be so willing to accept me and I was totally screwed up in the head. Even Santana had been totally cool with my feelings for Rachel. She hadn't blinked when she found out and she was the biggest bitch I knew. Was it possible the only person who truly has a problem with this is me? Is it possible I wasn't broken after all?

**So I'm thinking one more chapter after this. Maybe two. This has been a weird experience for me. Like I said it's brought up a lot of questions in my head that has made writing it very strange. It was supposed to be a lot more intense, a lot more deep, soul searching, and angsty. Unfortunately for you all I'm a big coward and didn't want to deal with the internal mental drama of writing it that way. So sorry, but either way I hope you enjoy it. It has been fun. And even though some of the stuff Quinn does is sort of borderline criminal, maybe seeing why she does it lessons the creepiness of it a little. Maybe? ~Empty Pen~**


	9. Chapter 9

~Thursday 7:40am school bathroom~

"I don't see the problem. Just lie to her. Tell her what she wants to hear. Guys do it to girls all the time, and as much as I hate to admit it in situations like ours, we're totally the guys."

As much as I hated to believe it Santana was right. We were the boys. I couldn't imagine Rachel being the Alpha in our sick little game. She was pushy and demanding, total girl qualities. I was avoiding and distant. Creepy and perverted, total boy qualities.

"I can't just lie to her. What if she catches me?"

She laughed at me. She was doing a lot of that lately. It seemed everything that came out of my mouth these days was cause for amusement in her mind. She was laughing at me all the time now. It was like I was Larry the Cable Guy or something.

"How is she gonna catch you? You only get caught if you admit you're lying, which I know you're smart enough not to do. I mean you are the girl who convinced Finn Hudson he got her pregnant through the magic of your parent's hot tub."

Only with Santana would the worst thing I'd done in my whole life be the cause for celebration and admiration. It was like we lived in Bizzaro world. The worse our behavior got the closer we eventually became.

"Still, lying is pretty risky."

She stopped playing with her hair and looked at me, the smile falling away from her face. "Are you really lying? I mean it's okay if you aren't. Especially with me. You know I'd never judge you. Berry is about as hot as nerdy girls get. And it's not like there are tons of nerdy lezzies hanging around McKinley. It's probably her or nothing, I mean if that's your type."

Was she serious? "I'm not a lesbian Santana."

She rolled her eyes. "Neither am I. I just enjoy getting it on with blonde cheerleaders."

Wait, was she hitting on me? That was weird. We may have the same leanings but we totally weren't into each other. At least I wasn't into her. She seemed like the kind of girl who'd use me for my body, chew me up, then spit me out. And she was telling me to do the same thing to Rachel. She may be hot but totally not worth the trouble. Besides she'd said it herself, we were the same types, who'd be the girl?

I wasn't going to lie to Rachel, not about this. I was a lot of things but I wasn't a liar. Okay, I was a huge liar. The worst kind of liar even, the sneaky, naked picture taking, porn masturbating kind of liar. But I'd never lied to Rachel before. Okay also not true, I'd told her a laundry list of lies to get her to fall into my dirty web of lust.

Would it be the end of the world to tell her a few mistruths to get her to do what I wanted? I know I planned on ending things but would it be the end of the world to have her around for a while? Just a little while.

"Suppose I want to play along with your little plan. What exactly should I say to sell it?"

"Come on Fabray, you know exactly what to say. Anything you can to get her where you want her. Anything you have to. Now's not the time to grow a conscience. You're right on the finish line. When you cross it on Saturday night I'm going to be standing there with the white tape for you to run through." She finally smiled at me again. "Now I know you have some kind of plan in mind. Just stick with it. Stick with it and you'll get everything you want. It'll be painless."

Painless isn't how I would want it. It should be painful. It should be the kind of thing that eats away at you, it should be hard doing this sort of thing. The fact that I kept blurring the lines meant it was getting easier for me to misbehave. How far across the line would I have to go before I crossed the point of no return?

I shook the debate out of my head. Just one last time. One last time and I was done with this. I needed to scratch the itch. I had to do this one last thing and I'd surely be fixed. This was the end of the line for me. I had to have sex with Rachel and get it out of my system. Once it was done my curiosity would be over and I could move on with my life. It was going to be fine. Santana was right. I had to get her into bed by any means necessary.

~Thursday 7:46am school~

"Are you going to keep acting like a jerk?" She said as she snuck up behind me. I'd spent all of last night angry and upset by the hurtful things she'd said to me last night. I couldn't imagine after all of that she'd still want to speak to me. Yet here she was, in one of her short plaid skirt with cute green knee socks and a matching (sorta) reindeer sweater. She looked so cute.

I'd wracked my brain trying to come up with a way to get her to forgive me. All I needed was forgiveness and I'd be back on track. Get her to forgive me, get her to agree to see me this weekend like we'd planned and it was like last night never happened. Turns out it wasn't necessary. She had already forgiven me.

The most important thing to remember was that I shouldn't just jump at the chance to be with her again. It would be a huge tip off. She had to believe I was still myself. She had to believe I was still defiant and closed off. I had to lie. That shouldn't be too hard, clearly I was the Anti-Christ.

"Rachel you don't get to call me bad names and simply act as if it never happened. It doesn't work that way. You were a complete maniac last night." I said mustering up as much anger as I could. In reality I was glad she was here. Happy she was still here speaking to me, even if it was simply to yell and say more bad things to me. Her being here meant she wasn't completely done with me like she claimed.

"You're kidding. After all of this you're still not even going to say that you're sorry. You won't even admit that this was your fault."

"Fine, I'm sorry." I didn't want to fight with her any more anyway. Fighting with her sucked.

She looked at me skeptically, almost as if she didn't believe I'd actually said the words. "So, now what? Are you ready to be honest with me?"

I hesitated just long enough for her to roll her eyes and start to walk away. "I can see this was a total waste of time."

I grabbed her by the wrist as she tried to walk off and pulled her back towards me. "Don't you walk away from me. I'm not the one with the jealous boyfriend. Where is he by the way?"

Her angry scowl practically disappeared and was replaced by something that looked like guilt. Still she held her ground. I couldn't help but be impressed. "Don't make this about him. This is about us. You and me. And from what I remember there is no you and me. You don't feel anything for me."

I didn't want to have this conversation here. Not in the hallway, but I was not really in the position to say no. Not now. I wanted to work this out. Fighting with her wasn't fun. It was painful, like being stabbed in the heart.

"Look. I have feelings for you okay. Is that what you want to hear?"

She finally smiled. "It's enough for now."

I'd sold it. She was buying it. Wow Santana was right, it was easy. No wonder guys lied so much.

"Hey Rachel." Someone called from down the hall. I knew who it was without looking. Finn. Finn freaking Hudson.

I arched an eyebrow at her and pulled my hand away. "See. That's why I didn't bother. It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to you is him. That's why I didn't tell you before, because it won't change anything." The ball was officially back in her court. Awesome.

She grabbed my forearm and gave it a squeeze. "You matter to me."

"Not enough apparently." I said. Like a fool my feelings were hurt. Despite all the terrible things I'd done to her, sneaking dirty pictures of her, getting her drunk so I could make out with her, her leaving to be with Finn hurt my feelings. I had no right to be hurt, he was her boyfriend. He had been her boyfriend when all this started. If anything, I was wrong, not him. Still it didn't mean I had to like that idiot.

"More than enough. Saturday night we'll talk more. We'll work it all out then. That hasn't changed. He'll be away, we'll be alone."

I couldn't help being a bit of a bitch. My pride was still stinging from her leaving me to be with Finn. "What's wrong with right now? What does the day of the week matter?" It felt good throwing her words back into her face. I wanted to smile.

"Stop being childish. We'll talk later." She said before leaving. Her hand lingered on my forearm as she walked away, sliding down and lingering near my fingertips. I felt electricity in my body as she pulled away.

~Thursday 8:57am~

I stood at the end of hall and watched Finn come bounding down like the ogre he was. I hated every inch of his pudgy face and chubby belly. What the hell was he smiling about anyway? He was such a loser.

I watched him and waited while he came down the hall still smiling like an idiot. The second he walked past the group of jocks I smiled. It happened fast, really fast. The boys from the hockey team, four of them, tossed slushies in his face.

"What the hell are you smiling at jackass?" One of the boys asked him. Finn finally stopped smiling and stood there looking like the moron that he was. I couldn't help it. I laughed out loud.

~Two minutes later~

When I stepped into Biology class Santana was sitting in her seat texting on her phone. Brittany was doing the same and without having to be told I knew they were speaking to each other. It wasn't subtle but it was better than ear whispering and drawing attention to themselves. Nerdy No Name was sitting in her usual seat and for once she was minding her own business. As a reward I decided to ignore her.

I sat down quietly in my seat intent to mind MY own business but Santana didn't let me. "Tell me that was you? I heard it was epic. Four slushies. I wish I could have seen that idiot's face." She was saying. She sounded excited. Very excited.

"I may have taken a slight interest in things today but I can in no way say that I was involved. Poor Finn was simply on the losing end of being a moron."

"So what would you call something like that, venting your frustrations?"

"I suppose you could call it that. Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest."

She laughed. "Well it looks like someone should be feeling better. Although that's not the real problem. The real problem is all the lying."

What was she, my counselor now? "What if all that's already out of the way? I mean things have been said already. Things may be fine now."

She went back to typing on her cell phone. "Well maybe that's true but what about when you're lying to yourself. I'm pretty sure that's not healthy."

Benedict Arnold. This was all her idea, she'd told me to lie. How dare her throw me to the wolves when Brittany was around. Some friend she was.

"Lying is bad. The more you lie the harder things are for you. At least when you tell the truth you know what's going on. It gives you some kind of peace. I used to lie to myself all the time. It kept me up at night. I tossed and turned every night. I couldn't sleep." Brittany began to shake her head but still hadn't looked up from her phone. "The worst part about it is that it was all for nothing, my friends understood. I wasn't giving them enough credit."

"I accept you a hundred percent." Santana said with a smile that I knew held the secret of something more. That smile was enough to explain everything. Of course she put Brittany first. Why wouldn't she. Brittany was her Rachel.

"I accept you too." Brittany said smiling. "Honesty is the best thing to ever happen to me."

Santana smiled, suddenly shy. I'd never seen her shy. She was embarrassed. It was strange seeing her this way, soft and sensitive and the complete opposite of her hell in heels reputation.

"Honesty was the smartest thing I've ever done too." She finally said. There was a sincerity in her voice that I didn't expect. She was being honest. Well as honest as you can be when you're lying your ass off.

Was she in love with Brittany? I know I was lusting after Rachel but did Santana feel the same way about her best friend? Was their 'experimenting' really more than that? What about what she said to me on the track about how fooling around with Rachel wouldn't make me gay. Was that a lie too? Was she lying to ME? Why would she do that? I had to stop sharing with her, she couldn't be trusted.

~5:00pm Home~

When I got home that night I went straight to my room and locked the door. If Santana was lying to me then she had an ulterior motive. She didn't want me to get better. She wanted to keep me gay. She was trying to recruit me to be on her little secret gay team with her and Brittany.

Okay, maybe I was a teenie bit gay. Just a little. I mean it made sense. I had the hots for Rachel, that was 'Super Gay', and sure I was planning on attempting to get Rachel's clothes off on Saturday night, also Super Gay. Still this was just a temporary condition. I couldn't make it through life this way. My father would disown me and never let me back in the house if I pulled something like this.

On the other hand maybe I was Bi. Boys didn't necessarily disgust me. They didn't excite me either, I was pretty much ambivalent. Sex with Puck wasn't awful. Okay it was but I could do it if it means lying low and not drawing attention to myself. What harm would hooking up with girls cause as long as I was being discreet? Boys did it all the time. I was even sure my dad has sex with his secretary sometimes. He always smells like her perfume. Mom pretends not to notice but she does. It was totally okay to sneak around. Besides I can't get caught smelling like somebody else's perfume, no normal boy would even notice something like that. Kurt is the only boy I've ever met who notices stuff like that and he's gay. Sure I could totally pull this off. I needed a boyfriend. Preferably a stupid one.

Despite knowing this was probably a bad idea the possibilities intrigued me. I'd never felt the way I did when I kissed Rachel. No boy had ever made my body tingle like that. That was a definite perk of hooking up with girls. It felt so good making out with her. Her hands on my body made me feel like I was going crazy. Could I really give all that up full time? Could I pretend it didn't drive me absolutely insane to see Rachel in short skirts and tight sweaters?

This was going to be a pain in the ass. I could just tell. Still I knew that being Bi was better than being Gay. Maybe I could sort of just be gay on the weekends. Every once in a while I could hook up with a girl. It wouldn't kill anybody.

Besides Rachel was so damn hot. She had a perfect body with tanned little legs and perky little breasts and the deepest brown eyes I've ever seen. Her lips were even perfect. They fit into mine like we were made to kiss one another. I couldn't give that up. I couldn't wait until Saturday, this was going to be so much fun.


	10. Chapter 10

~Saturday 6:34pm Santana's house~

"Quinn, you look nervous, you need to relax," Brittany told me as if I had any control over how my body responded to stress. This wasn't going right. I wasn't supposed to be nervous, I'd planned this out perfectly. I didn't get nervous, not when I knew what I was doing. Something was wrong. "Maybe you should have a drink. Something to take the edge off." She suggested. Even though it was a suggestion she was off her feet and grabbing me bottle of Miller Lite. Santana had made Puck score us some 'real' booze, as she liked to call it. No sissy Wine Coolers she said.

Brittany handed me the bottle, the cold glass felt like an ice cube against my already sweaty palm. "Thank you."

"Drink up. Rachel will be here in a few minutes and if your going to trick her into having sex with you, you probably need to be more relaxed."

Brittany was steadfast against the plan. Every word out of her mouth today was negative. It was fooling Rachel this, tricking Rachel that, she had nothing nice to say about the whole thing at all. She wasn't any help whatsoever. Santana may have been crude but at least she was supportive.

"I'm not tricking her. I care about her." I told her. It was something I was just coming to terms with. I wanted badly to pretend that I didn't but I did. I cared about Rachel Berry. I didn't want to trick her but I didn't have a choice. This was my last chance to fix myself. If I didn't do it tonight I'd be stuck this way forever.

"If you care about her why don't you just tell her that you love her? She'd probably have sex with you anyway, she cares about you too." I couldn't help but find myself wishing she was telling the truth. If Rachel cares about me she may be willing to give this a shot. Maybe she'd take pity on me and help me.

Brittany was screwing with my head. I bit back my fear and doubt. I needed to do this tonight. I couldn't risk Rachel telling me she wanted to wait until we got to know each other better, or until we were going steady, or something old fashioned like that. This had to be done immediately. I didn't have the luxury of time on my side.

"You know what Brittany? If your not going to be supportive maybe we should just change the subject because I don't want to hear any of this right now." It was harsh but it was honest. Brittany was being judgmental and I didn't need that right now. I needed a friend to tell me I was doing the right thing.

"Well what do you suppose I do Quinn, pretend that what you're doing is okay? You know your not as smart as you think you are. I know what you've been doing. I know you stole a dirty movie from Puck's house. I know you got Rachel drunk so you could make out with her. Hell you practically told us the whole thing last weekend when you were talking in your sleep. I made Santana promise not to give you crap about it but this is going too far. This is wrong. Tricking her into having sex with you is wrong. Rachel's a nice girl, this will mean something to her. You can't take advantage of her."

My head was spinning. She knew about the video, how? "What video?" I asked playing dumb. There was no way in the world she knew about that. Nobody could possibly have seen me take that. She was bluffing.

"The one Puck's been going on about for like a month. If you weren't so wrapped up in your own stuff you'd know about it. He practically accused Santana of stealing it that night at the party. She knew you had taken it because you were the only one who went into Puck's room that night besides her. She took the heat for you because I asked her to, but we both know SHE didn't take it."

Damnit, Damnit, Damnit.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied. It wasn't at all believable. How in the hell had he realized that video was missing? He had a huge stack of those things, how could he spot one missing so quickly. On the other hand it was unusually large and diverse. Puck was a super perv, of course he'd miss it. If he thought the girl looked like Rachel too, which I suppose is why he bought it in the first place, it would be obvious when it disappeared.

"We even tried to find it the other night at your house but you must be like James Bond or something because we couldn't find your porn stash anywhere."

"What porn stash?" I asked. Thank God I'd thrown it away. "I don't keep pornography in my house."

"Contrary to what you think, you're not that unique. You've done everything every lesbian in the history of the world has done before you." She stared at me with that judgmental gaze she'd been perfecting so well lately. "Well not everything. Knowing you you've probably done some very weird stuff."

So not cool. "I'm not a lesbian."

Brittany sighed. "Will you stop lying? Who the hell do you think you're talking to? You're worse than Santana, at least she admits it. She's still a big closet case but at least she admits it to herself. You don't even admit it to yourself."

"Why does this matter to you so much?"

Brittany looked away from me covering her face with her hands, she shook her head then pulled the hands away, her eyes on me unflinchingly. "How many times do I have to tell you that we're friends? You don't have to lie to me Quinn. You're my friend. I love you."

"Thank you but I'm fine. I can take care of myself."

Brittany laughed. "Yeah, that's worked out great for you so far."

It was the exact same thing Rachel said to me at my house the other day. All the lying and sneaking and self torture I was doing hadn't made me feel any better at all. I cared about Rachel. I cared about her a lot but it didn't matter until I could admit to myself why. I was gay, more than a little bit. Maybe I should just come clean. Maybe she'd understand.

Wait, why was Brittany messing with my head? This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about this. As soon as people find out what your plans are they come up with their own plan to ruin it. No, this was the best course of action, I'd thought it through. I wasn't going to let her talk me out of this. I had a plan, I was sticking to it. I'd already established that being spontaneous was bad.

"Trust me, I'm fine. After tonight all my problems will be behind me."

All Brittany did was scoff. "Yeah, sure, because this isn't at all a terrible idea."

~6:51pm~

I downed my beer quickly and disappeared upstairs to prepare Santana's spare bedroom for Rachel and I to spend some alone time in. I was a lot more relaxed with the beer in me and despite Brittany's 'pep talk' I was still 100% on board with the plan.

The room wasn't much, a bed, a dresser, and an easy chair in the corner. I'd considered candles and sexy underwear but that would tip her off to what I was doing the second she walked in the door. I had to get her to relax first. Get her talking, we had all night and I didn't plan on going home without getting Rachel toes up tonight. I went over the plan in my head again and summoned my courage. I was halfway through my second beer when I heard the knocking on the door. "Quinn are you inside?"

My heart began to pound when I heard the sound of her voice. She was outside the door waiting for me. Looking for me. The doubt returned with force and I started to freak out. I was doing my best to keep from hyperventilating.

"Quinn?" She asked again.

"Yeah Rachel I'm inside." I forced myself to say. My throat had gone dry and saying the words made me feel as if I'd tried to swallow a handful of sand. To combat it I downed the rest of my beer. With a deep breath I gathered my courage and prepared myself. The first step's the hardest.

"Do me a huge favor and close your eyes." She told me. There was a hint of fear in her voice. Was she afraid I was going to jump her bones?

I wasn't sure what this was about but after all the crap I'd pulled I couldn't deny her this one simple request. Besides I loved it when she bossed me around. If I was the boy in our little game then I was a henpecked one. I obediently shut my eyes.

"They're closed."

I heard the door open and shut and the smell of lilacs filled the room. Damn did she smell so good. How could she smell this good all the time?

"Quinn I know you're afraid. I know you're not really ready to be open about this but I'll make you a deal. If you open up to me I'll wait for you to get ready to tell everyone. I won't pressure you to come out. And don't you dare tell me that you're not gay. This isn't about gay or straight. I don't know that I am either but what I do know is that there is something going on between us. I'm not sure what it is but it feels like love to me. You're what I think about when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed at night."

I didn't know what to say to that. It was beautiful. It was easily the nicest thing anybody had ever said to me. It sent the itch in the back of my mind into overdrive. Then something strange happened, it spread to every part of my body.

I couldn't explain the feeling, it felt like I was being smothered but instead of pressure my body began to tingle. She was so damn sexy I had to fight the urge to open my eyes and jump her bones. There was nothing about this girl that didn't drive me crazy. I made up my mind. This was happening. Santana was right. I had to hit that.

"Can I open my eyes yet?"

"Quinn you have to do me a favor and don't take what I say next personally. I mean don't freak out and think it's about you, it's not."

Oh my God, she's pregnant.

"I won't. What's going on? And why are my eyes closed?"

"I broke up with Finn today. What I was doing to him wasn't fair. He was driving himself insane. I couldn't do it to him anymore."

She was done with him? Finally. I won! I beat him.

"Quinn stop smiling. I told you it wasn't about you. At least not entirely."

She saw me smiling. I couldn't help it. "Can't I be happy? I totally thought you guys were wrong for one another anyway. Finn's great but you're a shooting star Rachel and being with him will only hold you back. He's like an anchor weighing you down. Everybody see's it but you."

"I don't want to talk about him right now. I'm here for you."

"We're supposed to talk tonight though right? We were supposed to get everything out in the open."

"Enough talking, open your eyes." She said.

My heart almost stopped when I opened my eyes. She was standing five feet in front of my face dressed up as my lesbian schoolgirl. She reached out and stroked my cheek letting her fingers linger near my chin. Her touch made my body tingling explode.

My mind began to race to match my explosive heartbeat. What was going on? What was this feeling? It felt like I was hot and cold at the same time. Like I weighed a ton and was floating on air. When I felt the familiarity of my nipples hardening and the slow steady throb between my legs I got it right away. I was horny. This is what it felt like to be horny. Oh my God was that what that itch was? Horniness?

"Do you like it?" She asked. She was still unsure of herself. I could tell by her slumped shoulders and closed off body language that she was uncomfortable with the outfit. Still she'd worn it. For me?

"I love it but why?"

She smiled as she closed the distance between us. She straddled my hips on the bed, leaving her red bra inches away from my slowly reddening face. This was real, she was really doing this. She was the perfect girl. How many other girls would dress up like this for me? None.

"Because I saw the way you looked at me when you asked me to wear it. I want to make you happy Quinn. I want to give you what you want. I'm not sure why you like this but it doesn't matter to me. I like the way it makes me feel when you look at me that way. I always want you to look at me this way. I've never felt more beautiful than when I'm with you."

"Look at you what way?" I asked. "Do I look at you some crazy way?"

She laughed. "Yes. Sometimes you look at me like I'm Angelina Jolie. It's the same way you're looking at me right now. Like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world."

I couldn't fight it anymore. I had to give in. "You are. I think you're the most beautiful girl in the world Rachel. I want you to know that you do something to me that nobody has ever done before. You make me feel alive."

She pulled away from me and locked eyes with me. "Do you mind if I turn off the lights and lock the door? I want to give you something."

This was it. She was talking about sex, she had to be.

"Lock it. Let me show you how much I care for you."

She pulled away from me and hit the door's lock and shut off the overhead light. I watched quietly as her tiny silhouetted frame began to unbutton her shirt. The itch was going totally beserk now and the only thing I could do to combat it was to keep my hands busy and distract myself. I pulled the Cheerio's tee-shirt I was wearing over my head and tossed it on the floor. Almost at exactly the same time Rachel's shirt hit the floor and she kicked off her black flats.

"I've never done this before, not with anybody, but it feels right. I know you love me, even if you're too scared to say it out loud."

Wait, she was a virgin? I thought for sure her and Finn were having sex. Why weren't they having sex? Why wouldn't he want to have sex with her? Was he gay?

"You're a virgin?" I asked her. My stomach began to churn. The words came out sounding silly. Here I was sitting in my black bra and jeans with the girl I'd spent hours obsessing over, half naked in front of me, and I'm wondering why she didn't have sex with her boyfriend.

"I wanted it to be right. It didn't feel right until now." I could tell by the way her voice changed pitch halfway through that she was being honest with me. She was opening herself up to me like she'd never done before. She was being brave and trusting me, and I was lying to her. I've lied about everything.

My churning stomach did a black flip. Oh no, not now. "Rachel before we do this I need to talk to you. There are some things you need to know." The words came spewing out of me before I could catch them. I didn't want to confess, no good would come from it, but I couldn't take this from her without her knowing everything. Her virginity was too important for me to play games with. I cancelled my plans for tonight, I had to tell her everything.

She looked almost horrified by my seeming rejection. I stood up and grabbed both her hands in mine. Comforting her and reassuring her without words. "You are so beautiful, you know that don't you?"

The comment caused her to smile shyly. "Can we talk after?"

"No I have to say this now, after I'm finished you may not want to do this with me anymore. If not I understand."

Now she looked worried. "What? Do you have boy parts?"

Boy parts? "No. Why would you think that?"

"Finn said…" She started to say then shook her head with personal embarrassment. "Never mind."

Finn told Rachel I had boy parts? If I wasn't so horrified I'd be impressed. He pulled out all the stops. "Let's sit down, I'll tell you everything."

~Sunday 12:39am Santana's house~

My head was pounding. Rachel's words were still swimming in my head. She'd gone totally off the deep end after I told her about the dirty pictures and spying on her in the locker room. She'd called me every hurtful name I could think of. She'd threatened to kick my ass, swore she'd call her parents and tell them what I'd done. Still after hours of yelling and screaming she was still sitting upstairs in Santana's guest room waiting for me.

I snuck down the stairs and head into the kitchen. Rachel had ordered me to track her down a diet soda. I wasn't sure if the Lopez family had any and when I told her this she claimed not to care. Told me it was my problem and that I should deal with it. I couldn't help but feel strange by it. I didn't mind it one bit. Santana's words rang in my ear. Earlier today she told me that Brittany sometimes did things to test her patience. Sometimes Brittany asked for things she knew Santana didn't have to see just how far the girl would go to make her happy. Santana, despite her tough girl demeanor, was a romantic. She was able to deliver every time.

"Hey look who it is. The virgin slayer." I heard someone say over my shoulder. Santana was sitting on her kitchen counter, a small bucket of Ben and Jerry's in her hands. She was only wearing her underwear and I suddenly felt underdressed despite the fact I was wearing a long tee-shirt over my underwear.

"What are you doing up?" I asked her.

"Hungry." Was all she said holding up the ice cream. She gave me the once over then smiled playfully. "So did you do it?"

I wanted to lie to her, boast and brag about my accomplishment. I couldn't though. I couldn't do that to Rachel. I still couldn't play games with her virginity. I wasn't a boy after all. A boy would have done it without thinking.

"No. My conscience got the better of me. I had to confess all the nasty things I've done to her over the last few weeks."

I watched her face morph from smile to frown. "What did you do?"

I couldn't, I couldn't tell Santana. "Lots of stuff. She's mad at me now. She ordered me to find her diet soda."

She looked up at the ceiling surprised. "She didn't leave then?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Bottom right hand cabinet. My mom keeps diet soda in there." She was still staring at the ceiling. "If she didn't go home you're still in the ballgame."

I shrugged before digging through the cabinet for Rachel's soda. "I'm screwed."

"You're in the doghouse. She just has to punish you for a while. Brittany constantly puts me there. The thing to remember is that it won't last forever. If she was really mad at you, I mean beyond repair, she wouldn't bother doing any of this."

"How long am I going to have to do this? I don't want to be her slave forever." Truthfully I didn't mind it one bit. There was something about her ordering me around that made me hysterical. I loved the way it made me feel to submit to her.

"One a scale of 1 to 10 how bad was what you did?"

"15." I admitted.

Santana laughed. "Nice. I'm intrigued but also afraid to ask. Well if it was that bad I'm thinking months."

I nodded. "I better get back up stairs." I said as I turned to head out of the room. I didn't want to keep Rachel waiting.

"Fabray." She called out to me.

"Yeah."

"It's okay. Being this way. I know it's weird, probably not what you envisioned for yourself. Still I've never seen you as happy as you are than when your with Berry. Nothing that makes you that happy can be wrong."

I felt the weight of everything I'd been carrying around press down on my shoulders. "I can't fix it Santana. I've tried. I've tried everything and I can't fix what's broken inside me."

"You don't need to be fixed Quinn. You're not broken. You are exactly who you're supposed to be. I understand why you don't want anybody to know. I don't want anybody to know either. But there's self preservation, and there's shame. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is who we are. This isn't about Britt or Berry. This is about us. When I said we can help each other through this I meant it. I want us to get together, alone, so we can discuss this."

My head was spinning. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do Santana. If my dad finds out."

"I know." She said nodding. "Don't worry about that. Self preservation is not shame. One day you'll be able to take care of yourself. You'll have a job and money of your own and you can make the decision to tell everybody who you are. Today is not that day. Now is not that time. You don't have to come out to anybody until you're ready. People forget that this is the real world. Not everybody is going to be okay with us being this way and until we're in a position to protect ourselves we have to think things through."

I couldn't believe she was telling me it was okay to hide. Wasn't hiding against the Gay code or something. Weren't you supposed to tell people?

"So I don't have to tell anybody?" For some reason it didn't sound right. It sounded foreign.

"You don't have to do anything until you're ready. All you have to do accept yourself for being this way. You're not messed up, you're not broken, you're perfect just the way you are."

"How do you know?" I asked her.

"Britt told me and she doesn't lie to me." She was confident. Extremely confident that Brittany's words were law. I couldn't say that I blamed her.

"Can we talk more about this, I have questions?" I asked her.

She nodded taking another spoonful of ice cream. "Sure," she mumbled out. "I'll be around. Besides it'll be good to have my best friend back. We can help each other through this."

"Thanks Santana." I told her.

She nodded. "By the way, I have some strawberry daiquiri wine coolers in the fridge. I don't have a hot tub but Berry's a tiny little thing, two or three and she'll be drunk off her ass. Who knows you can still get lucky."

The last thing I needed to do was go back to trying to trick her. I mean I'd come so far tonight. She was mad at me but it was real. Honest. I didn't have to lie anymore, least of all to her. She was going to make me jump through some hoops but I was going to be okay. I could do this the right way. It was just going to take some time.

"I better not." I said with confidence.

"Suit yourself." Santana said. "They're just going to go to waste otherwise."

That wouldn't be cool. Santana had spent a lot of money putting this together. I'd be a bad guest if I didn't take a few upstairs for Rachel right. I mean it was even selfish not to take a few upstairs. And who's to say she'd even get drunk. This would be okay. It totally wasn't a big deal. It was harmless.

"Maybe I'll take a few upstairs. Just in case she wants some." It would be totally fine.

Santana smiled. "Just in case. That's okay with me. Have fun."

_The End..._

**Okay, sorry if the ending seems a bit anti-climactic. It just felt like the most logical way to end things. The most honest. I just didn't feel Quinn would follow through on her plan once she realized that she was pushing Rachel to a point she'd never actually gone before. I think the guilt of it would be too much for even her warped mind to twist. In the end she does love Rachel and didn't want to hurt her. Telling Rachel the truth seems a bit out of character for how I established her but I think her actions in the story show an increasing desperation and fear. That feeling that you only need one more tiny bit of something and then you can leave it behind is a familiar feeling, at least for me. Quinn's ultimate decision to come clean to Rachel about all she's done is an acknowledgement that she's let things spin out of control and needs to right the ship. I believe she was a good person caught up in doubt, self hatred, and plain old lust. Santana and Brittany played the accepting devils on her shoulders, both I believed stayed in character, accepting of Quinn, but offering conflicting advice. Britt-do the right thing. Santana-do whatever it takes to get what you want. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this. It was painful to write at times but I did face down some lingering issues and what's writing about if it's not about working out our own personal demons through the gifts we were blessed to be given? **


End file.
